The Real Housewives of Agatha Pike

On a dusty road about two hundred miles west of Lament County, all is calm on the isolated and degrading I-45. The wind rushes in the dry heat as the sun scorches the land, making the road a hot iron and a place of utter tranquility. Wisps of sand lightly dust the road and a single tumble weed hovers on the edge of the south bound lane as if undecided on crossing or staying. Out from the bushes totters a mother gopher, followed by her six young pups. They apprehensively approach this black and solid river while they bob their heads up and down voicing small squeaks. The pups look to their mother for assurance and wait for her signal and as she inspects the air; she makes her way out to the road.

The Vehicle

Three miles north of the family of our geomyidae rodents, a white Mercedes van thunders down the desolate road. Inside the van carries the stars of The Real Housewives of Agatha Pike. A reality television hit on the Bravo channel that features Agatha Pikes most illustrious and self-proclaimed elites. Their location, a vacation spot on the coastal shores of the state. A place where normal people go to relax and dream. But for these Real Housewives, the idea of a peaceful get away together is anything but relaxing.

These six leading ladies have been in this box on wheels for only two hours and already three fights have transpired regarding completely separate topics. Three of the woman have had crying tantrums about nothing of relevance, causing the heated debates to turn arch rivals into bosom buddies for only a few minutes until another clash ensues. At least this is what Melissa Carnes, the hired driver could remember. The stew of their voices plagued Melissa’s ears and made it hurt to think. The only thing that kept her sanity from going off the charts was the constant roll of the mundane highway. The worst part was, the GPS screen said Melissa had to endure this debacle for another two hours and forty three minutes.

Melissa didn’t request nor ever wish to have this job. Hoarding these Botox permeated debutantes with their caked on makeup and inflatable looking tits from one place to another was never something she desired. But a job is a job and Melissa’s mother always told her two things! One, make best of any situation. ‘Well mom, I’m making best by making good time. The sooner I get there the sooner I can be away from these ladies.” Melissa thought. The second thing her mom always told her was to always keep your cell phone charged. That was always kind of the hardest one for Melissa to remember. She had the wire and had the port. It was just annoying for her to keep plugging it in. But this was a simple trip. One she’d done numerous times before.

Melissa pondered these two things her mother always told her and smiled. She wondered what words of wisdom did the housewives mothers give them? As she looked in the mirror at the group in the back. One of them noticed her eyes in the mirror and gestured to her friend next to her on the seat. They both whispered like thieves planning a job and the one realigned her attention to Melissa.

“Driver, how much longer ’til we get there?” Eileen McClosky asked to Melissas in an annoying tone. Melissas instantly knew why the woman had been divorced four times already. That voice could kill a man or woman. The other women fell silent from their usual banter as the groups attention fell on Melissa. ‘Why the hell am I the only one from the company in this damn van.’ she thought to herself and began to respond in that corporate how-to video style.

“Why Eileen, you feeling low on the sauce?” Marisa Legstrum said in a belittling tone.

To the left of Marisa was May Fairchilds who gasped in a way to agree with the speculative comment. Eileen, eyed them both down and began to fuse. Melissa knew this was another old notch on the belt of outbursts and intervened.

“About another hour and a half… give or take a few minutes ladies. How ’bout we pull over at the next gas station? Stretch the legs a little while.” Melissa said while smiling.

“Ugh, I knew we should have taken my private jet?” said Belinda Wesler.

“Your husband wouldn’t let you take his jet Bel.” replied Mary-Anne Sellers while she opened her compact mirror and applied another layer of lipstick to her upper labium.

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Belinda like a cattle whip.

“You have to ask him for everything.” said Carly Garnett from the back.

“Yep, another notch in the belt” Melissa said under her breath as she upped the air conditioner in hopes that it would help drown out the sound. Melissa was right, another fight erupted in the van. Melissa pressed the gas peddle harder and arched herself up and over the wheel as if pushing forward with her mind.

A mile down the road, the mother and her babies were making their way on the southbound lane. A few times, mother gopher had to nip at siblings who decided to play on the road. A wind blew upon the road and a sudden awareness came over the mother rodents senses. She paused and arched herself upwards on her hind legs. Seeking out the distant horizon and smelling the air.

“I told you, you’re cheap and your husband is cheap…” said Mary-Anne while flopping her hand and staring out the window.

“I fucking told you to shut your mouth!” Belinda yelled back.

“Ladies, can we just have a nice time without any arguments?” Eileen asked like a parent who’s given up.

“Eileen, give us a brake. We can’t change our speech to agree with your hangover.” exclaimed Marisa. Eileen looked down and began to cry.

“For crying out loud!” thought Melissa as she slowed down and took her eyes off the road.

The mother gopher’s ears quickly spiked up in imperative attention. She lowered her body and began to press her litter. Snickering and butting them from behind. The gopher pups edged on slowly and playfully, ignorant to their mothers yelping. The mother looked up again, outstretched and looking into the horizon. The sound of the van growing louder.

“How could I have ever thought you’d all understand.” cried Eileen as jets of tears rolled down her cheeks. “You don’t understand what it’s like being me!” she added. The other women all stopped their quarrel and for a moment sympathized with Eileen. Of course it was all for show. But then again they all knew Eileen was full of shit. Everything was a show. Three seasons of being on this fucking television series and the only thing that this group of skanks has learned is when is the best moment to steal the spotlight. Melissa shook her head and turned back to the ladies. “Is everything ok back there.” she dared asked.

“Yes, yes… everything is fine driver. Just go back to the road and do your job we’re paying you for.” said May as if annoyed that someone outside the group would intervene.

Melissa sneered and kept looking at the women. ‘They’re like a cult. Psychos banded together in the name of disorder and lunacy. The camera is all they live for!” she thought and then fixing her eyes back on the road. She gasped when there in front was something appearing in the road.

The mother gopher squealed as the giant mechanical behemoth came rushing forward. She raised herself one last time and stared at the front of the glass paneling. From inside Melissa Carnes turned and quickly made eye contact with the rodent. The two eyed each other as time slowly came to a halt. As if all the world was in a deep freeze, Melissa panicked and jerked the wheel and hit the brakes. Every movement seemed to take forever and create echoes in Melissa’s senses. But then time ripped back to normal and all becomes chaos. The van screeched and began to spin. Melissa grabbed the wheel and tried to equalize the wheel with the swerving direction but over spent the turn. The vans wheels turned sharply and the van turned backwards. Bodies within the van flew up and over the seats. Hands jerking like flags caught in the wind. Melissa could not hear the roars of screams coming from the back as her own head slammed against the door window sending Melissa into blackness.

Else Where…

Six miles up in the cloud-filled sky flies a Everts Air DC6s. On it’s way to the west coast, the two pilots inside have found themselves in a dilemma!

“Buck, what the shit are we going to do? The first engine is already down and I don’t think the second is gonna last long!” cried co-pilot Steven Glasco.

“I know, I know, I know. We got to dump the cargo. We have no choice!” said Buck Campton as he desperately tries to take hold of the yolk. Buck wipes the sweat away from his brow and nervously hits buttons on the dashboard of the cockpit in a desperate attempt to make something work.

“We, we… we need to dump this shit but some place safe.” Buck yells.

Steve looks at his co-pilot with a strained expression and shakes his head. “You’ve got to drop it over the ocean. It’s ten tons of toxic radiated human waste. Human shit that glows Buck” screams Steven while pointing to the back of the cargo hold. Steven grabs hold of Bucks sleeve and almost jerks him out of his seat. “Don’t do drop it right here!” he screams.

“We have no choice…” Buck yells back while attempting to brake free of Steve’s grip.

Back To The Crash Site

Meanwhile back on land, Melissa Carnes’ eyes shutter open as her senses slowly come back to reality. The sound of hysterical screaming is muffled and distant but coming to a clarity as Melissa shakes her head and rubs her eyes. Before her are blurred images all standing and moving violently. They mix together like watercolors on a wet canvas and Melissa remains confused. Haltingly the blurs begin to take shape as the women from the van. Melissa shakes her head and looks down to her hands.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH!” yells someone Melissa can’t single out. She looks up and realizes she’s on the side of the road. Someone dragged her out of the van and laid her down. She turns her head to look behind her and notices the van is on its side. Smoke gently streaming from the front hood. The doors are open and everyone has evacuated. As Melissa tries to rise from the ground, every muscle in her body shoots sheering pain and she collapses.

“Don’t tell me to shut up you slut! Your own daughter is a drunk college drop out.” cries another voice. The yelling is followed by slapping sounds. Melissa regains control and see’s all housewives standing before her looking torn and withered. “Wha… wh… what happened?” she asks?

The six women brake free from their arguing and look straight at Melissa. One of them steps forward and stands in front of her with crossed arms. “Well sweetie, looks like your stupid ass turned the van.” Marisa said to her. Melissa, looked down to the ground and was still forgetful of everything that happened. Crashing the van was something she never thought she would do. Instantly a memory of two eyes meeting hers flew through her mind. The gopher!

“Did I hit anything?” Melissa asked while feebly getting up from the ground. She made her way to where the housewives were standing and they all parted like she was Moses. Most of the women’s faces were in disgust while others seemed downright hostile.

“You sure did you jerk! A group of… rabbits… or weasels. Whatever they are, you ran them over!” yelled Eileen.

Melissa walked passed the toppled van and saw a furry pile of flesh on the road. What once were a group of gophers was now a hot mess of bloody sauce inked and spread across the highway. The housewives all walked up to the pile and gathered around like a circular court of legislatures. They all had extreme looks on their face while looking down at the mess.

“You’re gonna pay for this one missy.” said Eileen. All the other housewives agreed in their own exaggerated ways.

Melissa felt terrible and looked for the mother. Obviously she had ran off into the wilderness away from the carnage done to her pups. She turned and with a sick feeling in her stomach, lurched her way from the debacle. The housewives still stood there. Words like “lawsuit” and “fired” were hurled out as accent sounds being passed over too much noise. Melissa kept walking.

Back to Buck and Steve

Back in the cargo jet Buck and Steve are still fighting. The plane is rocking up and down as mechanical issues begin to brake and smoke. Buck is inches away from hitting the cargo hold bay door open but Steve’s grip is strong and relentless.

“We’ve got to release it or we’re going to die!” Buck scolds Steve while collecting as much strength as he could muster and then pushing Steve away. Steve falls back and out of his seat. Hitting the steering shaft which then turns the plane to its side and barreling downward.

Buck sits back and with all of his might regains control. The ground edging closer and closer.

Melissa Carnes, sick and stomach twisting in knots gets as far away from the hysteria of her ending life and tries to breath. Her mind is racing as she suddenly hears the noise. She looks up and turns frantically. Her heart jumps at the thought of another vehicle passing by. But the noise drives her attention upwards and as she scans the sky, her eyes are blinded by the blazing sun. Melissa instantly turns her head downward and rubs intensely. But the sound grows louder and it is made clear. Melissa looks up again and focuses. A plane coming directly in their direction.

Buck Campton is pulling as hard as he can to this ancient flying monstrosity. The ground edges closer and closer and with all his might Buck pulls hard. He turns his head downward to the dash of the cockpit and sees a red button with bold white words underneath titled “DUMP!” Buck rushes his arm outward and hits the button. Instantly alarms begin to ring and the plane shakes uncontrollably. Buck bites his teeth together and musters a grumbling plea to whoever is listening. “COOOOOOMMMMMEEEE OOONNN BABY!”

“You’re all stupid bitches! Each and everyone one of you!” May yells.

“Why am I the only one with class on this stupid show. Look at you all fighting you’re pathetic.” Belinda screams as tears roll down her face.

Melissa witnesses the entire thing and is dumbstruck with awe. The plane arches its nose upwards and as it passes over the huddle of arguing housewives. A torrential force of green and brown liquid comes spewing from the back of the plane. It looked like the plane was relieving itself as it’s nose pointed upward and the shape of the nose and printed design gave the plane a smile like appearance. With the thick liquid spilling outward, all the housewives weren’t paying attention as it crashed down upon the them like a waterfall. Melissa could not believe her eyes and stood there bewildered and unable to think.

The plane nose lifts upward and the shuttering of the craft dies down. Buck Campton breathes steady and his body relaxes, sending a rush of calm over Buck. Steve gets back in the seat and with wide eyes stares out the cockpit window.

“What happened?” Steve demands and looks at Buck.

“We dumped it. We dumped the load of shit.” Buck replies.

The two fly on and for minutes, they never say a word. Steve finally looks to Buck and simply smirks. “Sorry I got a little carried away Buck.” says Steve.

“It’s ok buddy. We’re good now.” Buck exclaims.

“Do you think we did something bad?” asks Steve in a curious tone.

“Nahh, we dumped shit in a remote area. The only thing it will effect are stupid ass gophers and parasites.” Buck said while laughing as the plane flies out of view.

Back To Ground Zero

Amongst the sound of the rushing liquid spilling and splattering all over the road and onto the housewives. Melissa could make out slight screams of the women being baptized in the filth. The smell was an instant hit and Melissa gagged on the stench. She turned her head and let forth vomit form her mouth. She could not believe, she could never have dreamt something like this happening. She took a step towards the bombing site and stopped.

The housewives all stood like statues. Their arms were outstretched as if pulling something from the ground. They shook and bobbed in place. Hit with shock at what had just happened. Eileen let out of a small dismal shriek and her throat croaked from her own vomit spewing forward. The other housewives all repeated the same scream until the entire clan of debutantes were wallowing into a chaotic chorus. Their voices rang out high pitched and echoed across the land until they turned into deep guttural murmurs.

Belinda was the first to notice as steam started seeping from her mouth. She looked down to her arms and saw her skin cracking and bubbling in small tiny boils. Eileen reached upwards to her head and held on to her golden locks. Then without any force, her hand pulled out a large clump of hair. She looked down and with a gaping mouth and eyes wide, she noticed her hair was gone. Marisa wiped the sludge and fecal matter away and tried to step forward but her body began to brake down. They looked at each other as blood began to flow from their eyes and they reach for one another.

Melissa saw before her such atrocity as the women began to bloat and change. Like coagulated tissue the bodies of the housewives all fused with the toxic liquid and carcasses of the dead gophers. The air went rancid and wafted in all directions.The murmurs turned to screams which sent shivers up Melissa’s spine.

May Fairchilds saw Melissa and tried to go to her. “HELP MEE!” she screamed. But all Melissa could do was watch. “Please help meeaahahahahaha… !” May screamed as her teeth in her mouth began to part and her eyes rolled backwards. In the place of her front incisors, there came giant blood soaked rodent teeth. And as the teeth grew, the housewives bodies grew bulbous and porous. A goo spilled forth from their beastly form that seemed thick and chunky like soured milk. Hands sloppily blobbing into a three fingered digits. Where the nails once stuck out came black thick and rancid looking claws. Melissa in disgust saw they were morphing into giant gopher freak monsters!

The housewives roared into the air and pounded their huge hairless fists upon the ground. Sending a rumble below Melissa’s feet. As Melissa turned to run, the once housewives now hairless congealed blob gopher monsters saw her and began to pursue. They’re huge hairless naked pink bodies pulsing with jelly like shakes. Melissa ran to the van and crawled up the side and opened the door to get in. She clumsily fell back into the turned van and the door shut, leaving Melissa tumbling back down to the bottom of the van.

The beasts quickly fell upon her and violently rocked the van as if it was a dolls crib. Melissa screamed and shook with fright. The housewives were monsters, reeking their deformed mass and rage upon the van like it was made of paper. Teeth broke through the sides of the vans structure and a ripping metal rang out through the vehicle. Sending an ear piercing shriek up through Melissa’s spine.

The beasts ripped the van into pieces. Picking up chairs and tearing through them. The fabric and pieces of plastic flew like explosions of artillery. Melissa tried tucking herself under the crevice of the passenger area underneath the steering wheel. Then the housewives deformed looking faces, wrinkled, pale with small beady black eyes and seeping gelatin liquid came into Melissas view. The monsters mouths chattered with their newly spawn teeth and a sloppy tongues protruded outwards as a green and yellow mucus spilled down on Melissa. Like a hulking tower of lard and stench the monster gopher women looked down upon Melissa. Ready to rip and tear her to shreds.

Melissa’s hand urgently went to her side and grabbed at anything she could find and before the gopher freak sent out a screeching roar, Melissa held her hand up. The roar halted and all was calm. The only sound Melissa could hear was the rustling wind brushing down the highway. She opened an eye and looked upward. In her hand, she held a phone. The gopher housewives were staring at it like a fly drawn to a light. The small black eyes were enlarged and their mouths arched downwards like wet sacks. Melissa hesitated and almost pulled the phone away. The housewife mutants quickly gurgled contempt and Melissa quickly raised the phone back up. The sound settled back down and the gopher mutant women pulled back.

Melissa raised herself upward and out of the shredded van. Still holding the phone outward like an olympian carrying a torch. The housewife mutants all sat silently upon the highway. The beastly figures slumping into what looked like melting marshmallows. Melissa didn’t know what to think as she held the phone up high. She paused and analyzed the device. The front light of the camera indicator was blinking red… which means the phone was recording. Melissa stood in disbelief as the housewife mutants all went back to their usual television routine but instead of talking they were barking a gopher like gibberish to each other.

Occasionally one would swipe at the other, causing a huge laceration into the others flesh. The beasts would scream and then thrust themselves into one another in a blind rage. The fighting would spill vast amounts of toxic blood which scorched the road around them. But then another gopher would interrupt with a giant roar and seem to quiver. The other rodent mutants would stop and attend the other. Each and every while, looking up at Melissa’s phone. Melissa couldn’t tell but she thought she noticed the gopher mutants smirking a pose as if they were in a photoshoot.

Melissa couldn’t help it but give a quick chuckle. These behemoth monsters are still the same Real Housewives and this is all they need. For a while Melissa fell back into comfort and her shaking settled down. Above her the sun began to set and the horizon turned purple and pink. She looked out to the vastness of the land and Melissa Carnes smiled for the first time in a while. Up until the phone sent out a vibrating motion and a sound sent fear into Melissa’s heart. The sound was a the sound she heard so many times before but never worried over. It was an odd sound of something winding down. The kind of sound you’d think of when a cup is low or an attempt at something spectacular turns out to be a dud. It was the battery indicator. It was slow and it echoed in Melissa’s reality of space.

She looked at the phone and then looked at the newly made monsters. She’d seen what they are and what they will do. In the middle of the wilderness, miles away from any civilization and in the presence of monstrous doom, all Melissa had left was ten more minutes of battery life.

Thanks for reading my stupid little short story! I hope you liked it!


I’ve always wanted to do an origin story and this one kind of… came from a place of contempt. I don’t watch a great deal of television. But I am familiar with some of it. One of the shows I have seen is the Bravo channels The Real Housewives of “insert name here.” It’s a disastrous show with the most terrible people. My wife has had it on a couple times and listening to these grown adults interact with each other is… mind numbingly terrible! They’re monsters and I instantly grew a deep-seated contempt in my heart for them. Such savagery of human waste needs an appropriate horror story!

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