My name is Ash and I have a story to tell. The year was 2007 when I took my new girlfriend Rhonda to a quaint little town known as Ravens Fair. Not a well known place. Kind of a run down town where the streets never seem to be cleaned. Rhonda was loosely tied to this hoity-toity rich family named the Ashens and she was invited for a weekend getaway by her Aunt Ella. Ugh, rich people. If you ask me they have their heads so far up their asses, that all they see is shit. Piss and shit… I don’t know what that generally means… but you get the idea. Anyways, I learned from my past friend Arthur that a man can’t deny a free weekend in an extravagant mansion. Especially when you’re going with the 1998 Chestnut Oil Queen of Paulter County. That’s right, a romantic weekend with my queen and me, the king! So Saturday morning comes and after a bite to eat, we drove our way to the remote town.
“Ash? What ever happened to your hand?” Rhonda asks while earnestly caressing my wooden hand that once was… my real hand. I turned and looked into her eyes. “Oh darling, let’s not focus on that right now. We have an entire weekend together, so why throw in a bunch of drama we know ain’t pillow talk?” I say. As she places her head on my shoulder, I just keep driving and think, that’s right baby; the life I lived will do nothing but give you nightmares. A world swimming with blood, guts and one demonic hand from yours truly. You’re much too hot to be told those things.
The moment was dropped and the rest of the ride went smoothly. As we entered the town, I noticed it as a bleak and unkempt place. Like a stripper ten years past retirement who can’t get anymore tips because everything below looks like a saggy curtain. But we pressed on to her families home. It was a giant mansion full of rare artwork and big rooms. Fancy shit that my friend Henry the Red would love.
Rhonda was fantastic and full of excitement. We exchanged gifts and she brought me on a tour of the house. Room after room was boring an uninteresting. I just wanted to get some sugar and not the garbage from the kitchen if you know what I mean. As we made it through the last of the rooms, Rhonda escorted me to the steps that went up to the attic. The light instantly dimmed and I was walking in a space void of light. Rhonda walked forward into the darkness and I was left alone. “Always be prepared” is what they say in the girl scouts or something, I don’t know; scouts was never my thing. So I got out my lighter and found an oil lamp nearby. I called out to Rhonda to come back to me but all I heard was “I’m over here Ash” in a soft and spooky kind of way. Ahh, playing the cute creepy game are we? Ok doll. I’m good for it.
Each step revealed the massive room to be more clear. There was one giant wall with shelf like cupboards. There had to be hundreds of the glass paneled shelves and in each was a doll. Creepy little dolls that only a demon child would find cute and cuddly. Of course I was never a doll kind of kid growing up. I was more into books. As I arched the lamp higher to see more I noticed to my right, Rhonda standing there smiling. “Hey there gorgeous… kind of neat this doll collection. These all belong to your Aunt Ella?” Rhonda just smiled and exclaimed “Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children only dolls. And if you see her in your dreams, be sure you never, ever scream.”
“Heh, nice little rhyme there Rhonda, where’d you learn that?” I said while a gulped. To be honest, I was a little freaked out at this point. Rhonda didn’t say a word and stared deep into my eyes. “You know, how bout we go downstairs and you can show me where your Aunt keeps the booze. I’m not much of a toy kind of guy.” I said. As I was saying this I knew I was in a world of shit and began taking steps backwards towards the attic steps. While I did this, slowly one by one; each doll began to turn their heads in my direction. Ok, so at this point I know this can’t be good. “Let me introduce you to Mary my dear… sweet… Ash. She would love for you to be a part of her collection!” Rhonda screamed.
I turned to run and before me in the dark was a face more horrible than anything I had seen and let me tell you, I’ve seen some horrible faces. I once had a twin that looked like someone shot him in the face with a twelve gauge and this was much worse. She was pale and dead looking. Skin peeling like that lead based-paint my dad used in my room. Her eyes and mouth resembled the very puppets that were incased in the shelving. She didn’t blink, just smiled that devilish grin and the bitch was hovering like a ghost. I fell backwards in shock. I mean, you would too if you were me. But that’s when she lunged and screamed a horrible shriek. Slamming into my body and sending me against the wall. She just stared and then whispered a guttural raspy voice in my ear “Your voice is mine now my dear boy.” What came forth from her mouth was a long ridged tongue that looked like hundreds of other tongues. Like a… a barbed wire tongue! Yea, that sounds right. She licked my face and I for once in my life knew what it was like to be a lollipop. But this is one candy stick that won’t be eaten. I grabbed that tongue and pulled it tight. “Yea, I got you now you demon freak. The bitch looked shocked and retracted from her hold on me. Immediately the tongue slipped from my hand and cracked me in the face like a bull whip. Hurtling blow after blow upon me, cutting grooves into my chin and a deep gash above my eye. She pulled the tongue back as I withered in pain. I swear the demon whore savored the blood at the ends of her tongue barbs. She licked her fingers and turned and looked at me. Then ht me with a force like no other, sending me flying out the window and crashing down. Shards of glass reigned down upon me as I slammed into the hood of my car. Then all seemed to turn into a daze and I must have blacked out.
I came to and hesitantly pulled myself up and looked back from where I fell from. Mary just stood there looking down on me with that shit eating grin. Her face blended back into the shadows and all I could hear was the annoying laugh. The bitch got the best of me and was savoring her victory. Sure I was in pain, sure I was made a fool. But listen, I don’t know if you know me all too well but if you talked to any locals; I’m kind of known as a celebrity of some sort. I’ve seen some shit, shit that would make most men go ahead and run, run home and cry to momma! But me, I’m through running! This puppet face freak has unleashed the bull and is gonna a taste of pain. I always come prepared for occasions like this and went right to the trunk of my car. This is the part of the movie where you get some badass metal music while I strap on my Homelite XL Chainsaw and my handy dandy RAC twelve-gauge double-barreled shotgun. Along with that I took out a leather bag for something extra awesome.
You know that look on someones face when sheer and utter terror hits them? Yea, that wasn’t Mary Shaw because her face was a fucking puppet. But you know she was feeling it as I busted through that attic door, standing there as the light shined behind me. “Hey, doll bitch! Let’s dance!” I said as I walked into the room. Immediately Mary disappeared into one of the dolls. I give out a war cry and charged the cupboards, slashing and shooting each little beady-eyed doll one by one. Each time Mary’s face would appear and I would terminate her possession. My chainsaw screamed as it cut through wood and plastic. My boomstick echoed in the corridor like a mighty gong. The only thing left was me and the hell I just sent this demon bitch to. As I twirled my rifle and let the engine of the chainsaw putter. I realized there was nothing left. It was quiet… to quiet.
Suddenly a Rhonda jumped out of the shadows and onto my back. She frantically clawed at my head and eyes like a cat in heat. I threw her to the floor and she jumped up for another attack. “Come on Ash? Don’t you want some sugar?” she says. “Baby, you’ve got nothing but one hundred cups of what the fuck!” Rhonda screams as she runs and my chainsaw went flying as it cut across her face, severing her jaw with only a small slice of flesh keeping it ahold. The barbed multi-tongue wiggled like a garden hose and I grabbed it with my fist. Yanking it out like a weed in a garden. It still squirmed in my hand and licked my arm. “Get the fuck off me you beastly little creeper!” I said. Rhonda came forward and attempted to get another go at me, but I jammed the chainsaw up into her insides and hefted her into the air. Blood and bile shot out like a sprinkler, covering my face like one of those modern art beatnick paintings. The demon tongue broke loose from my hold and wrapped itself around my neck and began choking the life from me. I could feel the bloodshot in my eyes crack. As the chainsaw stopped spinning, Rhonda began to move and Mary’s face appeared. I tossed her aside and she slid off the blade. I got the tongue off my neck and threw it to the ground. Making instant meat pie with the bottom of my boot! “That’s it, enough fooling around!” I said.
So I grabbed my leather bag and pulled out the one thing that could help get rid of something so evil and vile. Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, the Book of The Dead some call it. A book bound in flesh and written in blood. The very book that both good and evil have been fighting for centuries over. The Rhonda slash Mary body lay there on ground quivering in some rabid pulse. As Mary Shaw protruded from the sever face and screamed “You ruined my perfect puppet! I need my puppet!” “Ahh, I get it. You need these fucking things to do your creepy shit. Good thing I’m loaded for the action.” I said. Mary rashly screamed “NOOOO!!! PLEASE NO!!” But she new I wasn’t budging. I opened the book and turned a few pages and began to read like I was a Sunday morning preacher. “Klaatu…” I yelled. “NO! I NEED MY PUPPETS!” she yelled. “Varada…” I said while looking into her soulless puppet eyes and then paused to let the final stroke of doom sink in. “Ni… Nik… Neeeee…” I said while I paused. “Umm, niktobin? Necktie? Neckromancer? Oh shit!” Mary’s face turned to a smile as she arose from the ground and came forth. “Nickodema! Nickroda! Oh for fuck sake! Why can’t I remember the damn word?” As Mary advanced I fell back and tipped over. The book falling to the side. I knew my goose was cooked as she smiled with that devil grin. She was nearly an inch from my pretty mouth when I finally yelled out “NIKTO!”
As the swirling abyss opened up behind us, the room suddenly became a whirlwind of chaos. Mary Shaw realized her peril and began flying away but was too late. She was sucked into the vortex and screamed in a raspy murderous yell as she went tumbling into some unknown infinity. I grabbed hold of a bracing and held on with every inch of strength I could muster. The body of Rhonda and all the dolls went hurtling in after Mary and soon the vortex closed. Leaving me alone in the stillness of the dark attic. I picked myself up and walked myself out of the Ashen home. Got into my car and found the closest strip club in town. To this day I still don’t know where Mary was sent and to be honest I don’t want to know. Good riddance you puppet looking demonoid. Enjoy whatever hell you’ve been sent.
So that was my weekend and I’m here today to tell you my tale. I guess I could have kept the mansion. Lived long in riches and splendor. But instead I’m here talking to you and sharing my tale.