You know what, the anti-gun people are right; you don’t need a gun! They aren’t as crazy as they appear. Gun ownership is a miserable practice and one that we need to abolish. I have an ideals boner for the concept of taking guns away from all Americans. If there were less guns then all violence would practically cease to exist!
“But Nate, how will people protect themselves if someone tries to kill them in their homes? The cops aren’t fast enough even if you have time to call the police while being chased through their house. So tell me, how do we defend ourselves in this kind of event?”
Well let me tell you, it’s very simple. You may have not realized this but there are other objects that make for a fine defensive weapon. Let’s just imagine this, some big brute breaks into your house and he’s thirsty for blood. Maybe he wants to make you into his own personal sex toy. He outweighs you on all levels so you can’t step up physically. Instead of grabbing that gun or knife, you do the next best thing. The one thing that will make that incest bread mother fucker regret the day they chose to mess with the likes of you! Well let me tell you that the very weapon you need is the best thing! It’s super eco-friendly and the cost will boggle your fucking mind. Plus you can eat it afterwards! The answer is corn. That’s right, corn.
When you find yourself stuck in the corner. You want the old reliable corn on the cob to stab that cuck to death! Forget the gun, forget weapons of mass destruction; they have nothing compared to this weapon of mass earstruction!
You think I’m wrong? You’re thinking “what the hell is this crack head spewing?” But you’d be surprised because I have proof! Just watch this badass lady prove how useless a firearm is compared to the power of corn.
1992 Is An Odd Year
There’s something about 1992 horror films that intrigue me. It’s a pretty odd year and if you look at the horror library, there’s a good amount of hit or misses. For me, Peter Jacksons Dead Alive (Braindead) is my most favorite of films. In fact, Dead Alive is one of the best campy horror films ever made. May I be as bold to say it is better than Evil Dead? Sure I will say it. But we also had Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stokers Dracula which was one that I recently have re-discovered and fell in love with. So much so that I included it in my most recent Horror Movie Marathon 2021.
Then we had two slasher films called Candyman and Dr. Giggles which I absolutely love. Unfortunately for them, the slasher genre was pretty much spent and they didn’t perform so well in theaters. We also had Army of Darkness, which would be Raimi’s third installment in the Evil Dead franchise. That too wasn’t as well received. But 1992’s Sleepwalkers is one of those films that stands out as a pretty interesting film.
The Story of Sleepwalkers
So Sleepwalkers is about an ancient forgotten species of vampire like cat people that live in secrecy. One time a thriving race that ruled Egypt, are now driven as castaways and drifters. Roaming the small town communities in a constant plight to survive. They have special powers like one called “dimming” which makes them invisible for a period of time and they can morph to appear as humans. Only through the reflection of a mirror does one see a sleepwalker in their natural state. They feed on human flesh and require a female virgins essence in order to survive. In this movie we have a mother and son named Mary and Charles. They’re sleepwalkers and on the hunt for the special “good girl” which happens to be our main character Tanya. Charles pursues Tonya by flirting and being a good guy. All chaos ensues.
Now Stephen Kings Sleepwalkers is not the best movie by any means. Compare it to the previous films that I mentioned before and it kind of pales in comparison. On first watching this movie, you will think it odd that it had an actual theatrical debut. Sleepwalkers comes off as one of those made for TV films that aired on CBS or NBC in the 80’s and 90’s. Those wonderful nights when young kids were given a little taste of horror were very special. Most of us couldn’t watch horror in movie theaters because they were rated R. But these made for tv movies were always open for anyone. They didn’t have too much explicit violence or language so most parents deemed it suitable. All of us kids would then go to school the next morning and talk about how scary Pennywise was. But then we’d make fun of Mike Barukowitz because he was a Mormon and his parents wouldn’t let him watch scary movies. Mormons are weird.
But like I said Sleepwalkers feels like it belongs in that category of odd low budget tv movies. The acting is kind of cheesy and the effects are less than great. But still the film received a theatrical release and it served as Kings first screenplay that wasn’t a book. The movie was easily forgotten as a flop and not necessarily a shining mark on 1992 horror. But Sleepwalkers is pretty good, in fact I can say that I do love this movie. Maybe not for its effects or monster makeup. But primarily for it being such an odd film. Possibly remains in the “it’s so bad it’s good” realms.
The movie is full of pretty crazy and great moments. I for one am freaked out by the mother and son relationship between Mary and Charles. The movie doesn’t wimp out at telling us they like to bang. It’s clearly out in the open to where they both dance, then kiss romantically and quickly Charles whisks his mother up the steps to the bedroom! They slam the door in your face and your thought is “WHAT THE FUCK!” You think this is the only crazy sex scene but it gets better. Later we see the two banging on a bed in a hot and steamy shot. Then the camera pans over to a mirror where we see the incestuously Sleepwalkers in their natural cat-like state! All wrinkly and cat-like! Almost like seeing Nancy Pelosi and Cher going at it. IT’S GROSS and probably the result of King writing for the big screen rather than for tv. No way ABC would have let that shit fly.
As a person that reads Stephen King books; this shit doesn’t come as a surprise. A mom and son that are cat monsters fucking in a bed? That’s child’s play compared to most of his crazy shit. Hell, go read Kings big monster book called IT and you tell me how awkward it is to read chapters 21-22? But this is Sleepwalkers and the movie has a great deal of moments like this. But the scene that gets me every time is this death via corn on the cob.
Now I love corn on the cob. But I never would think it could be used to stab a person. Especially stabbing someone right through the spinal column. I guess Sleepwalkers have some sort of special strength because I can’t imagine the amount of force it takes to actually penetrate a persons skin with corn? Maybe for dinner tonight I will do ham and corn and test to see if it’s possible. Even if it’s not possible, this scene is absolutely hilarious and the best death in the entire film.
Poor Horace. Imagine going to the heaven of horror killer victims and having to tell everyone how the monster killed you. You’d have Jennifer Caulfield from Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors telling people how Fred used a great one-liner on her and then rammed her face into a television set. Lambert from Alien telling people how she was ripped to shreds by the xenomorph. Then we have old slack jawed Horace from Sleepwalkers telling people that a crazy woman stabbed him in the back with a boiled slice of corn! How do you keep your head held up high with that.
Regardless, I applaud Horace for taking it in the back via vegetable. I also applaud mother Mary for taking the initiative to gives us something to remember in such a crazy movie. Maybe we can all watch this scene and have a little laugh, but also have a sense of appreciation. This scene is enough to possibly let us horror hounds re-watch 1992’s Sleepwalkers once more and deem it something great? Maybe Mary Brady had it right, the best offense is not with a gun, knife or sharp object. But one of a dinner like manner.
Thanks for reading!
Note: My top intro was just a joke. I actually like guns and think everyone should own them. Heck, you never know when a Sleepwalker is present.