You know what is one of the best things? Getting a new deodorant stick. Especially when you get a stick that is an entirely different smell than one you have been using. I swear, when I get a new stick of deodorant, I will spend hours smelling my pits. Sitting at work and just getting a good whiff of this new scent fills me with utter delight. It’s like I’m our President Joe Biden sniffing women’s hair. Feeling good getting face down in there and loving every minute. Eventually you become accustomed to the new smell and you don’t take notice of it any longer. But if I had it my way, I would purchase a slew of deodorant sticks so I can spend the rest of my life smelling a different smell in my pits every single day. You know how people wish for a chance to get a lifetime supply of Chic Filet or Pistachios? Well mine would be deodorant! So what I need to do is save the CEO of one of the major companies so he will be grateful that he will give me a lifetime supply! Money can’t buy you love and happiness, but good smelling armpits definitely will.
However, recently I have been taking a medication and it has altered smells. This is detrimental because I bought this new Old Spice stick called Oasis. It has a vanilla scent to it and when I first tried it, I thought it was good. But the pills… these fucking pills have made it smell rank and I didn’t know this. I just assumed the deodorant stick was a bad brand. But I had to keep smelling this gross stench from my pits all day. It made me sick to my stomach to the point where I took a deep breathe and gagged in disgust.
People at work kept telling me it was fine. That they couldn’t smell anything by the pleasant aroma of a nice deodorant. But they don’t know what they’re talking about. At one point I pushed a coworkers head into my armpit and made her smell. Now I have to start my sexual harassment classes next week. In blind frustration I even went on Amazon and wrote a scathing review of the Old Spice brand! No seriously, I did this is the image and link to the product.
I drove home in a wild frantic way. I needed to get this shit off my body. When I drove into the driveway, I started dry heaving as I got out of the car. Being locked in this box on wheels with this smell was killing me! The neighbor across the street was watching me and now probably thinks I am on drugs! Got to make sure we send her a Christmas card.
As I went inside my wife noticed the disgust on my face. “What’s wrong?” she asked. I just looked at her and explained my problem. She approached and took a sniff. “Smells fine to me!” she said passively. What is she talking about? She doesn’t smell it, she doesn’t understand the reek that is coming off my body! I quickly ran to the shower and scrubbed the hell out of myself. “What the hells is wrong with you?” yelled my wife as I left her at the door.
All the particles of rancid deodorant had to be gone! I couldn’t take another minute with this soured vile odor. Even after the rough cleaning, the memory lingered on. The particles remained in my nose and I rushed to the medicine cabinet. Quickly grabbing the nasal spray and continuously squeezing the bottle into my nose. The world spun as the epinephrine rushed to my brain. The world seemed slow but every move I made seemed rapid and shaky. My breathe was quick and my heart pounded like slamming hammer. DAMN YOU OLD SPICE OASIS!! I screamed as my voice shook the walls.
“Nate, you need to calm down. It doesn’t stink. I have the bottle right here!” my wife said while walking up behind me. In her hand was the source of my anguish. The thing glowed in its white radiance and it burned my insides at the sight of it. Even with the cap on, I could smell it! Urgently I grabbed the bottle, took it outside and threw it out the door. It flew in the sky spinning and making a whizzing sound as it sliced the air. And there it landed in my neighbors yard and there it still remains.
To this day, we do not talk about this in our home. My coworkers now look at me like I was a bald monkey at the zoo. They didn’t smell it? They didn’t smell what I smelled? How could they, it’s as clear as day. To them it smelled good and refreshing. But I knew the truth. My senses were stronger, I was stronger. I was the only one that knew. I was the only one that was smelling the bigger picture.
Speaking of ‘smelling’ the bigger picture. Have you ever heard of the movie Let The Right One In?
Let the Right One In is a 2008 Swedish horror movie directed by Tomas Alfredson. It stars Kåre Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson and Per Ragnar, It’s based on a novel by the same name and received positive reviews. Due to growing popularity, there was an English version made in 2010. The film is known as a “romantic” horror film. Which is dumb.
Up in the land of the Swedish chef lives a boy named Oskar. He’s kind of a loner, doesn’t have many friends and is often bullied by the other boys in his school. One night Oskar meets a strange girl named Eli. She lives next door to Oskar in his mother and soon the two become good friends. But Eli isn’t like normal girls and soon Oskar learns his new found friend is actually a vampire.
True Horror Of The Film
Let me just say that I really do love this movie. It is an extremely stylized film that breathes a wonderful tone and brilliant atmosphere. As far as vampire films go, Let The Right One In is a movie that will please any fan of blood sucking bastards. It has to be one of the best vampire films in modern time. But you know what pisses me off about this movie? The entire approach it is described and rated by critiques and everyone else.
Let The Right One In is classified as a romance horror film. Everyone I talk to who has watched this movie… thinks its a beautiful display of young love and how it represents innocence. How two people can love each other despite a society that tells them likewise. I’m sure some of you think this right now. But guess what! You’re a complete moron. You’ve got nothing but two things pal, Jack and Shit… and Jack left town! I’m kidding, you’re ok.
So in 2008 one of the worst movies to ever grace the silver screen happened. The Twilight saga entered theaters, females and simp males swooned all over the world. The story of a high school autistic girl meeting a handicapped vampire that went crazy with a glitter stick spawned widespread fandom. Never have we seen such a fantastic love story between two people since Jim Halpert flirted with Pam Beasley. So it’s fair enough to say that certain horror fans were pissed because of course, Twilight is as entertaining as a used condom. But then comes Let The Right One In and it’s an American hit because it appears to be as mushy and dramatic as Twilight, but it’s darker and the acting isn’t like squirrels crying over acorns. No, Let the Right One In was a movie that horror fans could comparably say “THIS IS A REAL VAMPIRE MOVIE!” And they’re right, it is a better vampire movie and it is far better of a story than any donkey shit eating Twilight film. BUT! Let the Right One In is in no way a love story. Instead I argue that the entire movie is horrific and a display of sadistic manipulation. Which, is why I love this movie!
But if you go online and look at reviews, you have a bunch of moronic critics claiming the movie is a love story. These people a jack offs. They’d probably be ok with Michael Jackson babysitting their children. Just look at these reviewers I found on Rotten Tomatoes about this movie.
This is why certain people shouldn’t vote or be allowed to breed. I doubt they even watched this movie. This is not a beautiful or enchanting gothic. This is not a friendship between two people or about damaged people finding solace in one another. What Let The Right One Is, is a film about a person manipulating an innocent person into being their slave. Let me explain.
So what you’re seeing is a transition of employment from the old dude Håkan and his newbie that will be Oskar. This entire movie is just Eli making “friends” with Oskar so that he can be Håkan’s replacement. It’s clear as day because Eli moves in next door and she is living with an older man named Håkan, You learn that Håkan goes out and kills people in order to give blood to Eli.. because she’s a vampire. He kills these people and hangs them upside down in the woods to drain their blood entirely. But he’s losing his touch in killing people. He’s obviously getting old and can’t do the job the way he once did. It’s an obvious burden on Eli because she needs to eat. She goes out on the town to feed on people and causes a commotion. At this point… Eli knows that she needs a new servant.
Obviously this Håkan guy has been with Eli for his entire life. No doubt the bastard was a child and met Eli the same way that Oskar is meeting her. What he knows of Eli is all from years and years of growing and Eli never getting older. At one point in all this Håkan asks Eli for sex and you’re like… “huh thats a little pedophilly…” but no, it’s just that Eli has been jerking this guy around since childhood that he is actually in love with her! He’s like Michael Jackson and probably never really grew up. To Håkan, Eli is his girlfriend since he was eight years old or something.
Oskar is literally being manipulated by Eli so he will do her bidding. She doesn’t love him! She just knows exactly what a stupid little Swedish boy needs to hear. The entire movie Eli pushes Oskar and twists his thinking. She gets him to stand up for himself and for once Oskar does. When a group of boys attack him, he jacks one up with a metallic pole. You think this is good because Oskar is being strong but really, Eli is manipulating him into making him act without thinking. Eventually, Oskar witnesses Eli kill and it serves as his test if he can fully serve her. She manipulates this kid to think they’re in love and all that shit. Sure, it all seems cute and you as a viewer are all loving it and your fucking heart strings are being pulled. But really, you’re seeing a tragedy of an extremely manipulative person just getting a new servant. Kind of like Renfield was to Dracula.
You wanna know what Oskar’s future of being “friends” with Eli is going to be? You see it with Håkan as the entire story represents a vicious cycle that will keep going. Fifty years from now, after a lifetime of killing, protecting her and living away from all society. Just like this poor Håkan guy. Oskar will die a terrible death and never be given the love and immortality he was promised. It’s truly a sad and terrifying thing you’re witnessing. Sure the movie is a good horror story where a vampire does some cool shit but the true horror is in our young main character… being ignorantly pulled into a world of death and despair. Man its brilliant and so subtle that I understand why people miss it.
Regardless of the deeper understanding of this movie. It is one that stands as one of the best modern vampire films I have seen. The feel and tone is authentic. It feels frozen and still just like the lifeless Eli. While their relationship does seem to be youthful innocence, there is this backstory taking place that constantly reminds you of the true horror going on. It’s an insightful movie and one that pays off in the realms of tension and gore. You will enjoy the movie but please please please, you got to see beyond the bull shit idea of romance and youthful innocence.
But that is why I love this movie. While everyone else is a sappy ass hole in regards to it, I’m sitting there flipping my shit over how much this Eli vampire is as dark as Dracula or Kurt Barlow. She just fools you with this innocent girl approach. The title Let The Right One In isn’t about letting a blood sucker into your home. It’s about Eli finding the right fool that she can shape and use so she can live on and feed. For that we honor this movie for day sixteen of my Horror Movie Marathon!
Thanks for reading! Please check out my past day sixteens of my Horror Movie Marathons!
Also, if you’re new to this marathon then catch up with the other posts!