The other day my wife and I went to IKEA. For some strange reason we both had a sudden urge to commit suicide. So we thought going to this Swedish hell hole would do it. Little did we know that it would be much worse because instead of dying, we ended up purchasing a new television stand titled the Brimnes. It’s this single long cabinet with long standing shelves on both ends. You place your television in the middle and then you have yourself this nice modern looking… pile of gray viking shit in your house!
Don’t lie to yourself, you hate IKEA just as much as me. I wouldn’t be surprised if even Swedish people hated it. The only reason you have it in your house is because, just like me; you can’t afford anything nice. IKEA is to furniture as fake tits are to babies. It’s useless and isn’t made from anything organic. How can anyone purchase something from this store and not want to thrust a screw driver up their dick? I say a screw driver because it is the tool you will be holding onto last when putting together one of their sets.
So I’m putting the Brimnes together and it’s going swimmingly. Swimmingly if you’re wading through the waters of hades. So when I opened one of the boxes the slab of Swedish ingenuity fell out and crushed my toe. All the styrofoam that is meant to keep the product safe is broken and spread out all over my floor. I’m worried that I have breathed it in. Now I will die of styrofoam poisoning and we’re going to be finding white flakes all over the house for months. You know right away you wasted your money. An entire three hundred and fifty bucks down the tube! I wanted a new Arcade1Up machine for the arcade room but instead I am stuck with this pile of blonde haired blue eyed corrugated inga singa minga crap! Also, there is no comfortable position when putting IKEA together. I could use my nice garage where there are four saw horses. But no, I stay in my living room because when I build this pile of penguin shit, I don’t want to move it far because it’s heavy and uneven. Chances are, when I try picking up this thing, it will fall apart and then I would break my foot and won’t be able to sue them because IKEA will claim neutrality like they did in the big WW2! Those pansy assed bastards! I work in the living room with my pants off because it’s hot. Already my lower back aches and my head is pounding from sitting in a cross legged prone position to mule style so many times will give you an aneurysm. Good, I could use the sweet release of blissful death. Of course if I go to hell, the chances are Satan will torture me with an endless supply of IKEA furniture.
I must say, I try not to cuss in front of my children. Truly, I do my best to maintain low tones. But when building IKEA, you have no choice. I could step on a long stretch of Legos and not cuss, but when it comes to IKEA!? It’s time to hark the herald of foul mouthed fuckery. My wife quickly moves and tells my kids to step outside the house. They give us both a look of disdain because normally, this is what we do when we want to get it on. So the fight commences. I don’t know which piece is which because some of the letter markings have fallen off and for fuck sake, one of the holes for the screw has chipped! I get some wood glue and fix it but now I have to wait two hours for the glue to dry.
But instead of taking this time to go read a book, take a nice dump or actually do what my kids thought my wife and I were doing; I am going to sit here in my living room with all these piles of wood… I mean particle board laying around. So I decide to get pissed and I flip out. My wife tries to ask me a question and I decide to make her my scapegoat by being rude.
The entire time, she just remains calm and laughs. I’ve got to be honest, what this hot chick is doing is working. I realize how lucky I am and that she’s just as frustrated as me. She knows that putting IKEA furniture together is annoying and flipping out is absolutely a part of the process of it coming together. She believes in me and knows it will work out. The woman actually comes over and gives me a hug and I melt. I apologize to her because after all, it’s just like Tammy Wynette said in Stand By Your Man, “You’ll have bad times, and he’ll have good times. Doin’ things that you don’t understand.” You need sing it like a country star to really get the tears flowing.
That’s right ladies, stand by your man! Especially when he has to build IKEA furniture. When he’s cussing and saying how much he wants to kill himself, just give him two arms to cling to. When he makes announcements to no one in particular, that he wants to go to war with the Swedes. If you love him, then oh be proud of him. Cause after all… he’s just a man.
This kind of story reminds me about another nice wife that stood by her man in the 1958 movie The Fly!
The Fly is a Silver Age sci-fi horror flick directed and produced by Kurt Neumann. It stars David Hedison, Patricia Owens, Vincent Price. The movie was well received by audiences and for its time was considered the best shock film. It was followed by the 1959 film Return of the Fly and 1965’s Curse of the Fly. The film would receive a remake in 1986 by David Cronenberg which also received a sequel of its own in 1989 called The Fly II.
It all starts with a brutal murder of a brilliant scientist named Andre Delambre by the hands of his loving and devoted wife. The police and Andres brother are left in shock! Clueless as to why this woman would do such an act. But as the story unfolds, the actions of this married beauty make things less apparent and more troubling than it all seems.
Silver Age Goodness
If I were to make a list of my top Silver Age horror movies then 1958’s The Fly would probably be my second most favorite film right after The Thing From Another World. This movie is so insanely awesome that I would say it is a must for any real horror hound that is wanting to experience the full history of the genre. What I love about The Fly is that it gives you a brutal understanding to the entire movie right in the beginning. Everything that transpires is past tense.
So this lady kills her husband in a hydraulic press and boy is it awesome. We don’t actually see the murder but get a good understanding to it’s ‘pressing’ details. Just the corpse as it is obviously glued to the presses base. Detectives are questioning her because it’s obviously homicide. She even admits to killing her husband. Oh lady, the old ‘he made me do it’ excuse. We’ve all heard the Jody Arias, ‘I was only defending myself so I stabbed him in the shower about seventy times’ bit. You’re not gonna get away with this one sister!
The brother of Andre named by Francois is heart broken but does his best to care for his sister-in-law and his nephew. But as the story unfolds we’re led to believe that Helene may not be guilty of this heinous act. Instead what you get is a developing story of a crazy woman that has this thing with flies. She keeps trying to catch them alive and when one dies she flips out and seeing if it has a white head. So at this point you think she is crazy and that she thinks her husband turned into a fly… and you’d be right! This unfolds into a story where we learn that her precious Andre was experimenting on a teleporting device in the basement. What we get is a pretty awesome lead up and crashing reveal. But not before we’re led on this brilliant story of mystery and intrigue. It seems that our pour Andre, brilliant as can be; has accidentally crossed his atomic structure with a common house fly!
Wife’s Unfailing Love
I love how the wife Helene shows unfailing love to her man. When he calls for her help and she comes to see him hiding his face with a sheet. She just blindly plays along. He gets her to make something to drink and he does so under the sheet. But all you hear are the slurping sounds and it certainly peaks your interest. As a viewer you know something isn’t right and it all builds up to this one final moment that kills it.
For its time I bet it was pretty shocking of a scene. I love how the eyes are bulging and the mandibles wiggle. I don’t know Helene, this could upon up an entire new world of sexual gratification. Those mandibles could work wonders if you catch my drift. Then there’s this awesome shot of the fly point of view. You see Helene in the multiple lenses of fly sight as she screams in terror. From what I can tell nothing like this was ever done before. But Helene passes out and Andre is still conscious in his transformation, but his mutated hand is wanting to kill his lady.
Of course this movie plays on the horrors of scientific breakthrough. But when I think about this film and the science behind it, something doesn’t make sense. So if Andre mixed his atomic structure with a fly, then that would also mean he has mixed his DNA with other living things. You may not know this but there are thousands if not millions of bugs called Demodex, tardigrades, or dust mites living within the pores of your skin. They’re in your hair, on your butt, chilling on your dick and eating at all times because they’re constantly on you. They’re living little creatures that are microscopic and actually just eat dead skin. That’s right you my friend are a giant buffet for small little creatures!
Then there is the human microbiota that dwells within your body. Supposedly there are more of these bacteria in your body than there are living human cells! Most of these bacteria live in a harmonious symbiotic relation to you and actually help brake down germs and other terrible shit that would harm you. But! They are separate living organisms.
So with that in mind, all the bugs and bacteria living on and in your body would imply that if Andre teleported and was mixed with a fly. So to would he be mixed with the DNA of all the other things. So if we were living in reality, Andre would come out way worse! Now that would be a pretty sweet movie!
Regardless of my scientific reality that I can’t help but think about in the back of my mind, the movie is quite awesome. It serves as shock treatment and the entire way it unfolds builds up some pretty sweet tension. The ending is something out of a Twilight Zone episode and will leave you thinking about it long afterword.
1958 The Fly! A movie that has unfortunately been overshadowed by it’s 1986 remake. Although I do love the Cronenberg film, I wish the original would receive more attention from the horror community. This movie is so iconic that it has been mimic in a great deal of media references like The Simpsons, Beetlejuice and the Far Side. Whenever you hear people screaming “HELP ME! HELLLLP ME!” in a small squeaky voice then The Fly is where they get it from.
A great homage to this film would be 1993’s Matinee starring John Goodman. It’s a period piece film about America during the Cuban Missile Crisis. It’s not a horror film but pays tribute to the age of horror in the best way. I would actually say Matinee is the best non-horror “horror” film. In the movie a man named Lawrence Woolsey comes to a Florida town to show his new horror film called Mant! The film is pretty much a knock off of The Fly, where a man mutates into half man, half ant. If you haven’t seen this movie then get on it!
This is how awesome The Fly. The film remains culturally relevant. It may not be as terrifying as other films but it exemplifies the style of movie for a time when fear of science, fear of what terrors man may unfold were prevalent. I will always cherish it and why I have chosen it for day six of my Horror Movie Marathon!
Thanks For Reading!
Could you do me a favor? If you actually read this post, could you comment for me? I don’t get many comments and it’s starting to bum me out. I don’t expect much but I know I do my best to comment on others posts.