I absolutely hate Valentines Day. It’s a complete bull shit holiday. I don’t know who this Saint Valentine was but I hate there’s a holiday about him. I don’t know what a kid toucher has to do with me getting my wife flowers and candy? Seriously, the entire holiday is a joke. What high school dropout came up with those hearts? Hearts don’t look like that, I would know. I was once a part in a Hindu cult where we sacrificed people to our devil god Kali. But every night when our congregation would meet for vespers. Our Hindu pastor would always do this awesome thing where he pulled a heart out of a dudes chest. It blew my mind because the guys wouldn’t die! I really miss that group. We had a run in with some ass hole with a whip and cowboy hat. Him and his adopted Asian son caused a lot of issues for us. Then the press caught wind of our ceremonies. A bad press release can really mess things up. But one thing I’ve learned from my time as a Kali worshiper is that real hearts don’t look like Valentines Day hearts. It always bugs me when I see Valentine’s Day cards. If you’re gonna put hearts on the thing then at least make them real human looking organs!
The entire holiday is a corporate conspiracy by chocolate and my local flower shops. Seriously what kind of message does it tell my wife about our relationship that I would give her a bunch of dead flowers that slowly wilt and turn to mush. “Yea baby, our love is just like this bouquet! Dying and turning to mushy shit that we will throw away in a few days!” But the corporations! They love Valentines Day and want my wife to expect flowers because I will spend all my money to get her these flowers. And those assholes cash in it time. Millions of husbands all around the country fall prey to this holiday and it’s donkey raping horse shit! Damnit I hate Valentines Day.
The ever tormenting approach of February 14th drives me completely insane. The festering red and pink colors swarm my sight and cause tremors in my eyes. The veins push blood in quick waves that pull at my brain! I need to stop it! I remember, I was never in a Hindu cult. That was a movie! Must fight it, need to find a source of salvation for my whirlwind of chaos that is altering my reality! There’s only one man that can feel the pain and anguish in my heart. I found him, a same wretched soul that has as much contempt for this corruptible day of love. His name is Harry Warden and his tale is in 1981’s My Bloody Valentine!
My Bloody Valentine is a 1981 Canadian (give it up for our brothers to the northern tundra) slasher film directed by George Mihalka and starring Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, and Neil Affleck. The film received mostly negative reviews but over the years would gain cult status following. In 2009 a remake of the film hit theaters.
In the Canadian mining town of Valentine Bluffs, a towns youth have everyone on edge. Its been twenty years since the town has celebrated Valentines Day! But this year the wild teens are setting out to celebrate the day of love. But be warned! To celebrate Valentines Day in Valentines Bluff can call forth the anger and wrath of town legend Harry Warden! A pick axe wielding psycho that will kill anyone that ignores his warning!
My Bloody Love For Cliche
I don’t know what it is but in recent years, I have developed an appreciation for the Bronze Age slasher flick. Sure most of them… I mean all of them, are cheap and cliche. Most slashers were just clones of one another. The victims are all mindless youth that get what they deserve and the killer goes unnoticed for a while. There is always a big reveal and wonderful death. Throughout the films there is this boring character storyline like one boy is wanting to get laid or a girl is having her sweet sixteen party and is pissed cause he mom is on drugs. It’s always a stupid plot that probably took zero amount of time to formulate. The outcomes are all the same as well. The survivors stand in the wake of the brutality and pile of corpses left by our killer. Friday the 13th, The Burning, Halloween, The Prowler, The Mutilator and so many more. All the same!
But I really love these properties of the concoction and can accept the repetition. At least in moderation. I don’t think I could do an entire month long marathon of strictly slasher films. But a horror season just isn’t great without a few of these thrown in there. 80’s slashers are good drivel, just like 60’s sci-if horror flicks like The Thing From Another World, The Deadly Mantis, Fiend Without A Face or The Crawling Eye. Very similar in that they have the same repetitive formulas that are constantly recycled. For the 80’s the slasher movie was the “go to” film because it was usually a sure bet in making money. Many people tend to hate these kinds of slasher films, but for me I find myself drawn to them. You go along for the kills and can find solace in the standard formula. My Bloody Valentine is one that, although very generic; is a great deal of fun and stands out from other 80’s slasher films.
For one reason, the movie isn’t set in the woods. Which is refreshing when you compare it to others like Friday the 13th or The Burning. Most slashers were made on very low budgets so shooting in the woods is practically the cheapest you can go. My Bloody Valentine utilizes the mining town as Valentines Bluff and the scenes in the mines are shot down in an actual abandoned mine in Nova Scotia. So right off the back the setting is much more interesting and less generic.
The movie plays on the small town living with a deadly secret. The kind of way Stephen King does with most of his movies. Valentines Bluff has a legendary curse much like Derry has a feasting monster in the sewers. Movies like this serve the small town idea because it paints a different picture from the pristine, family oriented image that small towns would like to be known for. It’s not the Rockwellian image of simplistic united citizens. It’s plagued by something dark.
Harry Warden is pretty iconic with his mining gas mask and pick axe. I think he looks scarier than The Prowler, a film that depicts a killer wearing army fatigue. These two movies were released in the same year. But Warden himself is pretty interesting because as scary as it would be to see a guy killing people as a masked miner. I would assume he’s not all too scary to the people he kills. You see, Valentines Bluff is a mining town which means seeing a guy in a coal miners mask would be common. Most of the males in the group of teens probably wear the same thing because they work down in the mines. But Warden does bring the pain and in more creative ways than say a kitchen knife or power drill. Below is a picture of our killer pushing a dudes head in a pot of boiling hot dogs!
If you take anything away from this movie then it would be the obvious kill count. I mean, what can I say. It’s a slasher film so be like that shitty band and let the bodies hit the floor. It is a bloody movie but not too excessive. Plus the women keep their clothing on, which is refreshing. One could argue that My Bloody Valentine is a good entry level slasher flick for a younger and more impressionable crowd. The eerie underground setting of the mines will create feelings of inescapability and like you’re a mouse trapped in a maze. Warden can be at every turn and they seem to generate some diverse moments of gore.
What makes this movie stand out is the sudden turn of events. While most slasher films end the same way, My Bloody Valentine throws us for a loop and gives the legend of Harry Warden an extension. It is a little “out of nowhere” but I think it works. I like to think that the My Bloody Valentine killer is more than just a lone nut. His curse reigns down from one generation to the next. It’s a living thing and as someone that loves the big scope of things when it comes to horror… I like to think the curse is not tied to one individual. That it moves to another possible assailant in order to live and an on. Of course, the movie doesn’t really go with this but still… could be cool.
As newer generations forget the curse and seek to “live and let live.” The terror of Warden will be there as a means to keep youth in check. It’s not like other slashers where it says “YOU CAN’T PARTY!” It just says “You can’t party on this day!” Seriously, all of this shit could have been avoided if the teens just did a dance on a different day. Harry is fine with Susan B. Anthony Day or if they have a Black History Dance! But they can’t have a Valentines Day dance. February 14th is where he gets real pissed.
I could imagine an old man sitting in his house and looking out his window. The gas mask and pick axe are sitting next to his front door like a business mans suitcase does. He see’s a group of teens go by in a truck and their drinking and fornicating, which pisses off Warden to no end. He’s about to get his axe and charge out there to fuck people up, but then see’s the calendar his wife just bought. A big fat heart indicates the 14th of February… but today is February 11th. ‘Wooo. Slow down buddy. Not yet.’ He says to himself as he goes back to his television to watch Hill Street Blues. It’s like the movie is saying youth can be youth, but should be respectful of historical town traditions? Maybe that’s what this is trying to say? I mean, listen to the theme song!
“And so they say on Valentines Day. Is a curse that will live on and on!”
I mean, if Valentines Day is so important to these ass holes, then go move to another town. Regardless, I do love this movie and enjoy the simplicity of it all. I like knowing the legend of Harry Warden still resides deep in the mines and will punish all who disobey the traditions! This is why 1981’s My Bloody Valentine is chosen for day four of my Horror Movie Marathon.
Thanks For Reading! Check out other past marathon posts for day four!