I took my family to a farm the other day. It’s September which means stupid Americans like myself enjoy walking through corn mazes and picking out pumpkins. I’m so sick of pumpkins. It’s become the seasonal tradition for people to go nuts on them. For some reason pumpkin flavor becomes the norm. We get all hyped up on Starbucks pumpkin spice coffee. We eat pumpkin bread, pumpkin ice cream and pumpkin cookies. We even drink pumpkin beer! Seriously, there’s nothing more ‘hypster’ then purchasing a six pack of pumpkin flavored beer. What gets me is that I don’t think the people buying the beer actually like it. If they did then they would order it all year. I tried it once. Tastes like the pumpkin kings piss.
But here we are walking through the farm as one giant happy family. When all of a sudden my youngest child notices across the way, a barrel of apples. On the front of the barrel was a sign that read ‘free.’ So my son innocently walks over to me and tugs on my sleeve. “Can I have an apple daddy?” he says. The other two siblings concur the sentiment and add to the plea.
My wife looks at me and I just smiles. It makes me hot for some loving. “Sure everyone, let’s go get a nice shiny apple to eat!” I say in a cheerful manner. We gingerly stroll up to the barrel of apples and abruptly stop. The barrel seems empty. The other visitors to the farm must have swarmed the free samples before we could get there. I nervously bit my fingernails at what this would mean. No apples for my children. No happiness and no memories! How can we go on without my kids eating an apple? It’s not the season of fall if my kids can’t eat an apple.
I look to my wife and she looks right back. Her eyes are watering and on the brink of crying. I knew this would brake us. Divorce is inevitable. Our kids would forever remember this day and how mother and father separated. Leaving them stranded in a void of two opposite forces. Constantly pulling at each other in blind fury! Their lives would be ruined and it was my fault. What could I do? I needed to act fast. So I took hold of the barrel and I dove inside. Deep down into the dark and decaying apple drum I went. Not caring of where I would go or what I would encounter. My kids wanted an apple and daddy knew this would get him laid tonight! I reached the bottom as my hands encountered a muck and mire of apple slop. But still, I took what I could find and scooped it out and over the rim of the barrel.
“Honey, you don’t have to do this.” she my wife said.
“THE KIDS WANT AN APPLE! They’re getting an apple!” I said as my voice echoed in my chamber of mushiness. All while scooping out big globs of apple porridge. Nothing would stop me from fulfilling this moment for my children and as I dug deeper, I could feel the bottom of the barrel against my fingers. Then something tugged on my leg and I knew it was my wife grabbing me. She was urgently trying to pry me from the barrel. In the background, cries from my children could be heard. Their sounds flooded my ears and I moved faster. Digging into the sauce like a dog searching for his bone. Eventually, my fingers grew raw and bled. Turning the sloppy apples into a deep brownish stew. But still I flung it over my body until nothing remained except the metal bottom of the barrel. Then finally I stopped.
My body was spent and I couldn’t catch my breath. Drops of apple liquid covered my face. The sting of juice poured into my eyes and all was hazy. What had happened? Slowly, I corrected my body and pulled myself out from the barrel. The blobs of mushed apple lay all about, some of it on my wife and children. My children, standing before me with my wife’s arms wrapped around them; looked terrified and disgusted. Crying and bellowing great sobs of sadness at the sight of their father.
“Please, Nathan please!” my wife cries out.
“Daddy, we don’t need an apple. It’s ok.” says my youngest child.
Everything seemed to stop and all eyes were upon me. Other parents grabbed their children and hugged them close. Protecting them and quickly getting away from the madman from the barrel. I looked down to my hands and took in what they were. The skin was torn away and I could make out tendons and bones. Blood splattered outward and then nothing but pain filled my senses as the adrenaline wore off.
“I… I’m sorry honey.” I said in a calm way.
My wife’s face went from disgust to anger as she let go of the kids and walked up to me. She slapped me on the face and said “You didn’t have to scrape the bottom of the barrel!” I kind of smirked and felt a rush of embarrassment. The only thing I could do was smile at her, letting her know I was sorry. But then her face turned to a grin and she began to chuckle. I looked back down to my boney fingers, covered in apple liquid and squirting blood. Then I giggled and we both embraced. Laughing hysterically like two drunks loving life!
“Kids, kids come on over.” I said in a playful manner.
All three of my children laughed and ran up to me and their mom. My boney ripped fingers held them tightly and we as a family, hugged each other in a wonderful mess of apple and blood. We turned and proceeded to leave the farm. A loving family having a loving day. Memories my friends. Memories are what we have and often times, it takes scraping the bottom of the barrel to make them happen.
Speaking of scraping the “bottom of the barrel.” This brings us to our sixth Scenes to Be Seen series with Freddy Krueger deaths! This time we’re talking about 1991’s Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare a movie that is literally scraping the bottom of the barrel for that Krueger goodness!
I had to do come up with this ridiculous story of “scraping the bottom of barrel” because 1991’s Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare is simply that. I absolutely hate this movie and wish it never existed. It actually makes me mad watching this because it’s taking such a cool character like Freddy Krueger and making him into a joke.
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare is like an Elm Street film meets Bugs Bunny. Everything is slapstick and ridiculous. There are even cartoon sounds and if you watch this for the first time, you might think the entire thing was a joke. I mean, I get it that Freddy and all slashers were on their way out but why did they have to do it like this? The acting is terrible and the so are the deaths. There’s a point where Freddy kills a kid via video game. You would think that most kids like me would have liked that because Nintendo was our thing, but no… I hated it. This was embarrassing and the entire movie is just disappointing. It’s not even scary. Kind of like walking through a haunted house that does everything in its power to not scare you.
But I do like the death of Carlos. Even if it does come across as cartoonish. The idea is real cool and I like that Carlos has this ear piece and Freddy uses to his advantage. Then again, I don’t understand why a kid with a disability would have that in the dream world? So in Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Will is bound in a wheelchair. But in the dream world, Will can walk! So why would Carlos have an ear piece. You see, this kind of continuity needs to be thought of when making these films. Either way, I get it and since I am dedicated to this series, I will let that pass.