When I was a young boy, I had to share a room with my little brother. For anyone else that grew up with brothers and sister, there is a good chance you had the same experience. There’s also a good chance that you experienced the same annoying shit that comes with sharing a room with an annoying ass! I don’t understand what was wrong with my parents. They weren’t drug addicts but I don’t think they thought clearly about the choices they were making. We moved around a great deal and every house we moved into was never a house with enough rooms. So here we are, two colossal bad asses forced to live together in this one room. Not actually a room, more like a world! A dominion that can only have one ruler. By placing us in this scenario it would ignite a massive war between two opposing forces of adolescent proportions! The war would rage and powerful destruction would ensue! The winds of our verbal abuse would shatter the windows of our domain. The pile drives and punches would fracture the dry walls to the very foundations of this kingdom! But all these conflicts paled in comparison to the mightiest of clashes.
The Real Battle
When our parents ordered us to bed, the night would unfold into bitter and meticulous argument. One that would be repeated numerous times, known amongst brothers and groups of friends worldwide. This argument we discussed was always known as the “who vs who” dispute! A drawn-out debate on who would win in a fight against another! The epic debate that was more important than anything. More than school, more than world peace and way more than the new hot girl in class! Avengers vs Justice League! Mario vs Sonic! Wolverine vs Predator! Xenomorph vs Velociraptor! These are important arguments that must be decided. They were endless and always guided with the most extreme of talking points. Until, mom or dad would open the store and tell us to shut up and go to sleep.
Now it is thirty plus years later and it blows my mind that the very same debates my brother and I had, actually started coming to fruition in film. It was in 2003 when Freddy Vs. Jason would hit the big screen and I ate that shit up. The idea that these two icons of bronze age horror were finally coming together for the ultimate show down blew my mind. Then in 2004 we got Alien vs. Predator, another versus film that was long awaited. “Versus” style movies seemed to be generate a great deal of heat and has been going strong even today. In 2016 Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice hit theaters and would be the movie that brought the DC Universe together.
Now, the only problem is… every single one of these movies is a pile of donkey shit! I may favor Freddy Vs. Jason because I am a horror fan and playing favorites is a part of the human condition. But really, something about versus movies just haven’t worked and I don’t get it. If you’re a fan of Marvel then you may be familiar with 2009’s Hulk Vs. series. These are two animated films where Hulk battles Wolverine and then Thor! They’re brutally awesome cartoons but get the entire versus theme done right. So why can’t Hollywood make good versus films then?
They get me real pumped up, probably dipping into that childhood nostalgia. So it doesn’t require a great deal of motivation for me to see the films. However, something always goes wrong. It could be because the films are clearly written around this one premise. That these two colossal characters will meet and battle… and everyone wants that. But you can’t have a full length film built around some awesome moment. Movies are a package and just because you have one killer moment in the film won’t make the rest of it good. I mean, think about Star Wars Episodes 1, 2 and 3. The entire trilogy is built on the moment Anakin Skywalker turns into Darth Vader. We just wanted to see this guy go full blown psycho and kill people but what we got was a three film nightmare full of boring plots, annoying characters and (to be honest) an uninteresting character transition.
New Matchup Coming
So now another matchup is coming to theaters and this one is definitely another debate my brother and I have both had before. The two kings of the giant monsters are finally coming together for a colossal showdown! Godzilla Vs. Kong is set to hit theaters on March 26, which happens to be my birthday.
I can’t deny that a part of my is excited for this movie and I had to write about it before it was released. Normally, I don’t do the big monster movies in my posts because I don’t consider Godzilla or Kong horror films. But they are “monsters” and I do have an appreciation for that breed. But I will like many see this movie and cheer on Kong because he is my favorite. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I think it’s going to be good. In fact, I think I know how the movie will unfold… and that pisses me off!
I Declare This Now!
But what will most likely happen? I know this may piss people off but most likely this movie won’t have a victor at all. I brought up the past versus style films to prove my point and I can say, without a doubt; Godzilla vs. Kong will follow the same premise as Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Yea, I know it’s negative. But I am telling you, this movie is a part of a large cinematic universe known as the MonsterVerse and the idea that these two will battle and one will lose… is absolute horse shit.
So this is what will happen. Godzilla is going crazy. He’s destroying cities and getting drunk way too much. So for some reason, Monarch (the group that studies the monsters) will organize a battle between Kong and Godzilla cause there aren’t any other monsters on the planet that can fight Godzilla other than the mighty Kong. Kong and Godzilla will meet and take equal blows at each other. So Godzilla fans will feel good about their boy and Kong fans will feel good about theirs. Godzilla may be stronger and bigger. But Kong is smarter and more agile.
So while this is going on, the plot of the movie with the humans will keep going. You will be bored with them and what they have to say. You will see Millie Bobby Brown doing her crying face and you will want everyone to die. But it won’t happen. They will discover that Godzilla is either being controlled or misunderstood. But also this force effecting Godzilla is the true bad guy and they need the two to work together. So they will make some stupid bull shit machine that fixes Godzilla but not before Kong does terrible harm. But then Kong will stop because Godzilla will scream MARTHA! SAVE MARTHA! and Kong will be like “Martha! That was the name of my sister on skull island!” Then the two will fist pump and have to fight this new bad guy that appears from the earths core. Either another giant monster or monsters like the Skull Devil from Kong Skull Island. Or better yet it’s aliens and they want to bring back Ghidorah!
They will work together some how and there will most likely be this panoramic, overly exaggerated shot of the two facing the new enemy as one. Godzilla will use his strength to dominate the new monster while Kong does something like use a weapon, make it eat a bomb or maybe push it into a volcano. The fight is over and the two do a ten second Frenchy in celebration. You have to include some sort of political statement, so there it is. Inclusion is all that matters now. Everything is good so Kong will wave goodbye and return to Skull Island while Godzilla goes back to his lair in Atlantis or whatever the fuck it is.
You have to remember, this is a cinematic universe. They have to keep making new films because without these main characters then you have nothing. You think they’re going to make a movie about Mothra? Tell me, would you go see a monster movie without Kong or Godzilla? After this film the world will open up so Kong and Godzilla will come together once more and they will add more monsters in the group. Maybe Godzilla has his kid and Kong discovers a new tribe of monster monkeys. It’s an unfolding of a monster/Avengers series and this is the merger to get it all going. So long to the individual films, we’re now large scale bad ass monster fighting! But I don’t care about the future grandeur of the film. I just feel like this will be a let down. Hopefully I am wrong and what we get brakes the mold of the common versus films.
But do you think! Or you excited for this epic monster showdown? Who do you think will win or do you agree with my statement. That this movie is just doing the same shit that Batman vs Superman did? Let me know in the comment section. Either way enjoy the movies and stop wearing a mask!