An early warning! This intro may contain a sensitive topic that people with no sense of humor might find disturbing. Just know that I joke.
The other day my wife and I thought it would be good for us to take our kids out for some fresh air. It is that time of the year when the planet turns the oven known as Florida down and the weather is finally tolerable. I can actually go outside and enjoy the nice clean air without my ball sack turning into poached omelettes. For anyone with balls you can imagine the feeling. Any who, on this particular day we wanted to do something new and a little diverse. So we headed over to a local ranch to ride some horses on a trail. My daughter has always wanted to do this because she loves horses and I was ok because I felt like I could finally live my dream of being a Rohirrim from The Lord of The Rings. A fantasy geeks own fantasy come true!
As the day went on we rode the horses along a long trail that made its way through dense wood and marshes. We were having a great time when suddenly my horse named Mikey decides to tense up and fall over. He tossed me a little ways but I managed to keep myself from getting hurt. But poor Mikey didn’t fair too well. He must have had a heart attack or something. I’m not a horse surgeon but this seems odd. My grandpa had a heart attack and everything the horse is doing reminded me of pop pop. But then I realized that horses are tricky bastards.
Damn horse! How dare you ruin my eventful day with my family. I’m not gonna let this go so easily. I knew he was faking it so I went and got a huge stick and so I could motivate this horse. Yea, I have had enough of this shit! So I did what any good animal rights activist would do! I beat that horse and I beat ’em good. Just beating the hell out of it so it would stop playing this prank on me. Just a nice smack of this beating stick and I know it will finally get up and then we can get going. Now you can imagine the horror on my face when it didn’t move right? How the hell does this horse have so much skill at pretending to be dead. Well, this angered me even more so I beat it even harder. Eventually my wife and kids pleaded for me to stop. But they don’t get it. This horse is a pesky fuck. He’ll give in and this family trip will once again turn into something we’ll all remember. Speaking of beating a dead horse, have you seen the trailer for Halloween Kills?
Halloween Kills is the sequel to Halloween. Halloween 2018 not 1978. At the end of Halloween… 2018 Laurie along with her daughter and granddaughter trick Michael Myers into Lauries home which has been prepared as a trap. Laurie lures Myers to the secret trap door to the basement where he is locked in. Laurie then proceeds to light the house on fire “killing” Micheal in the process. Now we’re back and Michael Myers has survived the flames.
The movie was kind of a hit when it was released. But let’s be honest, it was the only scary movie out during October of that year… so I guess it was easy to garner a lot of attention. But for me the movie committed the most terrible cinematic sin. It was neither good or bad. It was just another Halloween movie. It played on the nostalgia of the original movies and served as a “remember film.” Oh man! Remember when Michael stood outside of the school and Laurie sees him. Well they do it again and this time it’s Laurie standing there. Man I remember that! Let me touch my nips over remembering shit I’ve already seen! Those kinds of “gemstones” are actually stupid and don’t add anything to the film.
The characterization was real lame, especially for every single male. Why is every guy in this movie terrible and void of decency? Not one guy acts honorably and tries to help. I get it, the movie wanted to deliver a message of “women can only depend on other women.” Which by the time the doctor flips his shit and dawns the mask becomes hilariously stupid. Every guy up to the boyfriend to the father is a cliche “stupid man” checklist. Which we all know is complete bull shit.
What gets me is the Halloween franchise in general. As the movies have gone on I feel like they have “normalized” Michael Myers. There’s just nothing left to explore and any creativity with the movie was sadly missed. You had Laurie who was actually showing her PTSD stuff pretty well. But how about go deeper with that and really give an excellent development of her character. Seeing how she flipped the roles of hunter to prey was too easy. In the beginning Laurie was fine. She was the crazy old lady and we see how her paranoia (thought legit) causes a schism with everyone she knows.
So how about create a moment in the movie where Laurie creates a low point. This is usually the ushering in of the different parts of a movie. The moment the tone and story changes drastically. You need a low point so you feel like everything is lost and our protagonist might lose. Say for instance, she does something drastic like attempts to kill Michael. She could attack him with her car by hitting the bus and flipping it. Then maybe it helps release him. You could do something where Michael is given some sympathy. It would have been even better if she tries shooting him and it hits someone else. So then everyone hates her even more and it causes Michael to get out. Maybe it’s caught on television or its while Michael is in court. Then this makes even her granddaughter not like her. Maybe the son-in-law forbids her to see them and the cops have her. Bring Laurie down even lower and then when she becomes the hunter and everyone knows she’s right… it’s even more tasty! See, this is called suspense building and the movie fails to do it at the right moment. All the kills we get are kind of pointless and remain as gore fodder. I love gore as much as the next horror hound but I prefer gore being paralleled with good story writing. Halloween doesn’t have that.
But now we have Halloween Kills coming out and from what I see in this trailer, nothing seems to be any better. He survives the fire which is completely stupid. You can’t tell me that a guy his age would survive this. I did a post about this movie last time and determined Michael would be around 61 years old for this movie. He also suffered from six direct shots from a Smith & Wesson K-38 Combat Masterpiece, Revolver Model 15! Gun shot wounds aren’t like getting a scratch. The damage is extensive and causes physical ailments. So now he has escaped a fire which would cause third degree burns all over his body. The guy is not bouncing back after this. You mean to tell me that he escapes the fire? I thought the house was constructed to be a trap? I swear to God if he finds a crawl space and escapes then I am walking out of the theater.
But really, do we need this movie? It’s like beating a dead horse. You can’t make it pick up and be good. The creators are too stuck on the nostalgia and mimicking old traditions that it’s just not interesting. We shall see what happens.