Recently I have been spending many summers planting a garden and working hard at growing various kinds of crops. You know, the usual stuff like tomatoes, green beans, squash and peppers. Just the normal kind of stuff that you see in the seeds section at your local Lowes or Home Depot. It is always rewarding to plant a small little garden and being able to eat the foods that grow from it. It saves on the grocery bill and it gives a person a good hobby rather than sitting on their fat ass while playing video games. However, when you have a garden you are bound in becoming that jack off that brings in a huge grocery bag full of tomatoes to your coworkers. This always happens to me because I plant way more tomato plants than needed. But in the end, it’s all good.
Need More From My Crops
But you know what I have to reveal a serious secret? I have been having a few problems with my garden. Something just doesn’t seem all to right, like something is missing deep within myself. Not only are the crops not growing like they should but I’m kind of disinterested with the same old boring everyday veggies. I need something different! Something that would be a challenge. Something I can have for Thanksgiving dinner and be proud as my family devours the bountiful blessing the Lord doth provided dammit!
The Search For Perfection
I have searched far and wide for a new food that would awaken my world! Give me purpose as a family man and provider. Also put some more fuel and new flavor in life. I searched all over, tasting new flavors and discovering new meats. But nothing was striking a chord! But then blessings reigned down. Low and behold I have found two farmers that have a bright new crop that seems exciting and one no garden should be without. They are a good “God fearing” family named Vincent and Ida Smith. A brother and sister pair that know their shit about crops and farming. Look at this promotional video they made! For only a small payment of $39.99 you too could be a top notch provider for your family.
Motel Hell is a 1980’s horror film that is both deviously hilarious and highly disturbing. From what I heard, this was supposed to be directed by Tobe Hooper and was actually a much darker and disturbing movie. Which makes sense because the entire premise has a Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe to it. But the original producers pulled out and Hooper left as well, bringing in Kevin Connor to film it. The movie itself is kind of a spoof on many major horror films and mixes them all together as a sort of homage kind of film.
What I love about this scene is how it perfectly demonstrates the entire process of the Smiths cultivation of their “secret meat.” They go about the entire thing the same way as a typical farmer would farm pigs or cattle. Except I don’t think you bury cattle from the neck up on soil. Which often makes me wonder if Motel Hell is meant to be a commentary on our consumption of meat and overall usage of animals for food. I’m not an animal rights wacko by no means and will always enjoy a good steak, but Motel Hell could be a vegans wet dream kind of film. While it is meant to be comical, the seriousness of Vincent and Ida delivers a dark tone with a blue collar kind of depth. They don’t view the people in the ground as people but as livestock. Even with the people consciously trying to fight back to no avail. The Smiths still proceed like cultivating and slaughtering these humans is no big deal. They even joke to each other about other matters while doing the process. I don’t know why but it makes it more disturbing than the scene showing the Smiths as evil or sinister. It’s all just a normal day on the farm for them.
It’s inspiring to know with a little hard work and dedication, a person can have plentiful crops of humans! Just sprouting and growing strong like wonderful edible fat cabbage patch kids! Some may say, it’s too much of a risk and they may be right. But a driven person must accept the difficulty of anything that takes hard work. Sure, the crops may break out every once in a while. Turn into mad, zombie like heathens; hell bent on your destruction. But that is a chance one must be willing to make. Not everyone can be a Vincent and Ida Smith but we all could sure try. Imagine a nation with gardens as plentiful as theirs. Pure wonder and green goodness! Yes it may be odd to bite into that first slice of human jerky, but like they say “It takes all kinds of critters to make farmer Vincent’s fritters!”
*Just to make everyone aware. I am not actually planning on planting humans in the ground and then use them to make jerky.