Haunt – Scary Clown

August is almost over which means we are right in line for those September and October horror flicks. Those perfect attempts to use everyone’s rising interest in horror and cash in on the season. Kind of like those shitty Saw movies. Man that was one franchise that needed to end after the first one. We all already know about It: Chapter 2 coming out on September 6th but it can’t be the only movie for the horror season. Can it?

Haunt

We have a group of douche bag teenagers that are in search of an extreme haunted house during the Halloween season. Already I want them all to die. Twenty bucks that the group has one serious girl, a slut, a tough gal, a fat gay guy and one minority! Because, you know… inclusion. They end up getting more than they bargained for as a group of masked killers seek and murder each one of them.

I Have A Question

How many times are we going to use the damn clown as a scare tactic? I’m so sick and tired of these bull shit clowns! You know they put that in the trailer because of how popular Pennywise is right now. I guess clowns are scary and it’s an insanely huge trend. Kind of like ugly looking rednecks after Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Every year it seems that there is some new horror clown movie. I did a search on Google for “Horror clown movies” and look at this slew of shit.

Now, I thought Stitches was kind of funny and Pennywise is the reigning champ. Also, I didn’t include the picture of Killer Klowns From Outerspace, a movie I believe to be one of the best silver age homage films ever made. But you know this Haunt movie is using the clown as a gimmick just like the rest and I can see right through that junk.

Also, what is with the creepy baby crib twinkle music? Why would that music have anything to do with an extreme haunted house? It is because of the fucking clown! You associate that merry go round penguin shit music with a clown! Which is another marketing gimmick. I have gone to haunted houses my entire life and I never hear that music. Also, I’m sick and tired of the giant “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHMMMM” sound in movie trailers. It’s as overused as the single piano note sound they use. Dammit, I already know this movie is going to suck!

You can even see it in how not one of the characters displays a thing called personality. Usually with a horror movie you get an array of characters. A way of introducing the styles of people and maybe get you hooked. You identify with the fat kid because you’re a fat ass or think the one kid is funny because your senile Grandmother on meds thinks your funny. Everyone just seems like a flat and boring person, which makes sense because “X geners” are real boring people.

I don’t know what to think of this movie. From what I can tell from the start, it’s just an easy cash grab for the horror season. Kind of like Christmas movies during December or a movie about acting or making movies before the Oscars. It will make money because by default, its taking advantage of the seasonal or audience mood. So get ready for an awesome horror season my friends! Can… can you read sarcasm?

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