As horror fans I think it is a safe to admit that there is a great deal of real crappy horror movies. No seriously, there are loads of terrible horror movies! It always seems that for every one good horror film, there are (at the least) fifty terrible ones. That is not even including the mockbuster movies that come out right after a popular one gains notoriety. There should be a special label on the cover of all mockbuster cover art so you know to just pass them on by without any hesitation. It is a pain in the ass trying to find that new piece of horror that just blows your mind. The entire streaming service has made it harder to find new films. Traipsing through the onslaught of crap often ends with me jabbing a pencil in my ball sack just to alleviate the nausea and pain.
It Is Science
I did some searching (actually I just clicked on the first Google search) and discovered that the average human brain gets strained when we’re dealt with too many choices. At least that is what I read from this smart lady.
Choice overload can leave you frustrated with the decision process, dissatisfied with the outcome, and disappointed with yourself.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stretching-theory/201810/too-much-choice
We probably experience this frustration in many ways every single day. Like walking through the grocery store bread isle or when picking a new car. I think this happens to Starbucks fans all the time, but they can’t help it because they are addicted to shit flavored coffee. Obviously, this is happening to us when we use streaming services like Netflix and Amazon Prime. We don’t know what to actually pick. It is one reason why I think movie theaters may not ever go out of business because we like the idea of being told “this is good” and to us, theaters only show the top made films. Well, that is what we would like to think. It makes sense why we read blogs (like this) and watch YouTube videos about what good horror movies we should watch. We don’t want to choose, we want to be told. We find an online personality that we can relate to and trust their opinions. But the idea of ourselves, searching through the muck and mire of horror films; is just too much for us all. Well not me! I love going through the onslaught of shit!
They say don’t judge a book by its cover and I agree. But I don’t think that cliche applies to movie cover art at all. You have to wonder if these films have higher budgets for their cover art design than the actual films. Here is three below that prove my point. The front covers are actually appealing but the movies suck big barracuda balls.
The worst is when you are watching a movie that has a brilliant premise but miserably fails to live to its full potential. This can usually be due to low budgets but other factors like terrible acting, bad CGI, awful music score or even awful editing.
A movie that had so much potential yet failed to deliver (for me) was 1996 Mars Attacks! by Tim Burton. Now, I know some people love this movie and deem it a hilarious spoof on silver age horror. Well let me tell you something, they are spewing garbage! Even as a comedy I thought the movie sucked and even the large array of celebrity cameos did nothing for me.
Mars Attacks! was originally a classic 60’s Topps trading card by Wally Wood and Norman Saunders. It was brutal and bloody and not one ounce of anything in it was comical or full of that goofy Tim Burton bull shit. What he made pissed me off so much because I know Mars Attacks!, I love Mars Attacks! I own Mars Attacks! cards and clothing. Sure the cards are reprints but that is fine! The stuff is awesome. They depicted insane amounts of violence. Like people being gutted and burned to death. It was so gruesome that the cards were banned by protesting white bitch mothers and teachers! That is how awesome they were!
I Keep This Stuff On My Desk At Work
I have read some of the literature from that series. One being this insane story called Martian Deathtrap by Nathan Archer. The story is set during the Mars invasion and a group of human survivors take shelter in this old mansion. The folks are hunted by a group of martians and must use the secret passageways in the mansion to escape. That book is in no way meant for children because it features some bloody alien terror. People getting tortured and gutted by giant bugs. Lasers burning the insides of humans and some great suspense. I remember being a kid and reading this book and loving every page. Then I saw this bull shit movie and lost my mind. This must have been when Tim Burton started losing his mind. He may have done Sleepy Hollow in 1999 but that he deserves no praise for what he did to what could have been an awesome movie.
Deserves Much More
Mars Attacks! is a series that deserved so much more. It had such great potential to be over the top blood and horror with a cool silver age feel to it. I know the premise is a little wacky with the look of the martians. But that wackiness could have been placed into a nice campy horror setting with some practical effects instead of the schlocky CGI we got. Could you imagine what this movie would have been if someone like Sam Raimi or Peter Jackson had directed it? When you have a premise that is naturally goofy then it is perfectly acceptable to deliver some goofy over-the-top violence like Dead Alive and Evil Dead. People would have loved Mars Attacks! and it could have been a golden cult film of the late 90’s. There is still time, I have heard that Peter Jackson has thought of returning to his roots and do some horror. Maybe he could remake Mars Attack! Raimi proved with Drag Me To Hell that he can still give us great horror so why not get a petition for him to do Mars Attacks!?
But then there is this. Have you ever seen a horror film that has a cult following and cannot figure out why everyone likes it? We all have special preferences and for the most part, I think we all tend to like the same things. I think it is fair to say that most horror fans love a certain catalog of films. Much like being a fan of horror punk makes you love the Misfits, there are horror films that we all default on. However there are always those individual films that the masses love and see as iconic horror, yet through all our watching and conversation; cannot understand or love. This is a terrible thing because people talk about the movies and every time they pop up, you just cringe.
For me that would be Clive Barkers 1990 Nightbreed. Now, I know I will catch some heat for this supposed blasphemy. For some reason Nightbreed is one of those horror gems that tons of fans talk about and love. If you are one of those people then I am happy for you. But for the life of me, I cannot get into the movie.
So we have this guy named Aaron Boone and he’s having dreams about a place called Midian. Boone is this guy that (I guess) feels separated from the world and all that emo junk. Actually, this entire character is a mess. Just like the rest of the characters we are to accept this guy without any buildup or development. But it gets dumber. Boone goes to this psychiatrist named Dr. Decker. Turns out Decker is a serial killer and he makes Boone believe that Boone himself is the actual killer… wait… what? He makes Boone believe he’s slaughtered people. How the hell do you make someone believe something like that. This Boone character is the dumbest person to ever be written into a film. So Boone goes off looking for Midian and… you know what, this is already the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.
It Just Goes On
So much more stupid crap happens. We’re introduced to moronic looking “monsters” in the underground city of Midian. They have a leader and out of know where there’s an ancient god that is ruler of the Midinites. People want to kill the Midinites and Boone becomes involved. It’s just full of all this random crap that together creates a jumbles mess. All in all, I can’t stand the movie. The acting is corny as hell and (I know this is going to step on major toes) David Cronenberg is completely annoying. Sure, he makes good films but I hate him in this movie. I think it’s because I have Misophonia and his soft voice and demeanor irritate me to no extent. But nothing makes sense and I hate it.
I Have Tried
I have watched it probably five times because I cannot figure out why people love this movie so much. It is an annual occurrence. I decide to re-watch Nightbreed and every time, I cannot enjoy it. Maybe there is something I am missing. Is Midian supposed to make me feel special because Midian is full of monsters and they’re kind of like the outcasts of society… kind of like horror fans or something? But the characters are too random and I have never been able to enjoy the movie. I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.
How About You?
So what are some horror movies you believe have high potential but fail to deliver? What are some popular horror movies that everyone loves, but you hate just like me and that damn Nightbreed movie. Or maybe you’re the opposite. Maybe there is something that everyone hates but you really love?