Child’s Play – iChild

Never did I think that writing a blog would be so much fun. It’s only really been two years of this and it’s been a great time. The entire process of writing a blog simply about horror related subject matter only started as a means to better improve myself. They say the best way to improve your writing and grammar skills is to write. The only problem is I don’t know how to determine if I’ve improved or not. But who gives a shit! We write about what we like and what I really like right now is that my followers has gone over one hundred! Yes! There are one hundred people that follow the stupid crap I write about. So I would like to say thanks to all of you that actually read my insane opinions. It means a great deal to me to know that there are adamant horror fans out there and people that love reading about them as much as I do. Something I would love is for people to offer some advice for topics I could write about. If you have a good idea then I would probably tackle the subject. Just as long as it’s not religious or extreme political stance subjects. I just don’t want to push that in my posts.

Once again Hollywood is bringing us another remake of the beloved Bronze Age horror film Child’s Play! You would think after the terrible 2009, Friday The 13th and the 2010, Nightmare On Elm Street; classic bronze age horror remakes aren’t proving themselves to work. Even the new Hellraiser Judgement was a pile of crap! Sure, the new Halloween was a hit but what else were we supposed to see during October? It was the only damn horror movie in theaters! But now we have Child’s Play coming back. Chucky is finally getting his remake and I’ve got to be honest… I don’t think I give a shit.

Chucky Is Past History

First of all, the character of Chucky (in my opinion) is not timeless. Meaning he does not work for newer generations. How the hell does a killer boys doll have any relevance for people born in the late 90’s? Child’s Play was a movie created in response to the giant doll craze of My Buddy and Kid Sister toys released by Hasbro in 1985. Like most horror, Child’s Play is in response to cultural norms and icons. So Chucky made sense back then, but he doesn’t really make sense now. Sure he’s great to the die hard fans but that is cult following. As a mainstream image… I just don’t see how it connects to newer generations.

That moronic 2014 Unfriended film has more of a purpose than Chucky will ever dream of in this age. That movie was made for nearly one million dollars and guess what! It made a profit of 64 million! Of course moronic millennial’s are going to see it! Anything that speaks to current cultural norms is gonna be of interest to them. A pissed off spirit of some bullied girl seeking revenge via internet media? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Who the hell comes up with this?

No Hook

I’m not saying that Chucky sucks. He doesn’t! My brother had a My Buddy doll as a matter of fact. God did I hate that thing because of Child’s Play. I remember going into my towns local video rental store and being freaked out by the VHS covers of this movie. “Dude! Mike, look at this movie! It’s some doll that kills people and it’s a ginger doll! We have to see this movie! I bet Chris has this cause his mom and dad are divorced and his dad gives him anything he wants!”

Finally we saw it at Chris’ house. Holy mother humping father figure did Chucky freak me out! Imagine being a seven year old kid and seeing Chucky attack that kids mom. YOU STUPID BITCH! I’LL TEACH YOU TO FUCK WITH ME! I think I went home and took a pen to my brothers My Buddy dolls face. “Yea My Buddy! SUCK ON THIS YOU BASTARD!” My parents were so mad.

Not Today

But kids today don’t have My Buddy dolls. They have Nintendo Switches. That’s what would work! A killer Nintendo Switch that pulls you into the game and… oh wait… that was the new Jumanji movie! Do you get what I’m saying? Child’s Play 2019 will be a fan service film and it won’t be remembered. I doubt it will even make the fans happy. There will be no lasting impression from this. Even the trailer alone doesn’t offer anything promising and it only does something that I sincerely hate in modern films.

Modern Tech Smeck!

It kills me when horror movies use modern 2000 technology as a major theme or source of doom. That’s what we’re getting. Chucky is connected to an app which in turn lets him hack into every smart device in your home. I don’t know… something about Chucky being able to control electronic devices to kill people seems so lame. I bet someone gets it was a self guided lawn mower. How miserable that will be. The part of the gruesomeness of a lawnmower being used as a weapon is the killer has to push it into the victims face! There’s a sense of pure aggression behind the entire process! I guess a pissed off doll with a cleaver doesn’t do it anymore right? Instead we have to make people afraid of their home smart devices. That kind of junk drives me nuts. Something about evil iPhone apps that kill just don’t get my blood pumping. Give me killer demon trees that possess women fearfully wondering the woods. Give me a masked child that roams the streets during Halloween night and slaughters people for not adhering to the ancient traditions of the festivities! I want werewolves, I want demons that hook you up like a slice of bacon and rip your soul into pieces! Then reassemble you just to do it again!

If You Want Chuck Then Just Watch It

Maybe movie studios remake these films to maintain some sort of license for them. I think that’s why Universal tried the Dark Universe. I could be wrong. But really, if you want to watch Chucky so bad then just go watch the 1986 Child’s Play. Just because a movie is old and in a different period doesn’t make it less entertaining. This idea that things need modern takes is disturbing. It’s why we got that Ghostbusters pile of garbage. My point is, you don’t have to see the new Child’s Play movie because the 1986 film does it just fine. Anyways, I’ll probably be skipping this movie. It doesn’t deserve a viewing.

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