Do you feel it? Something stirs. I sense it in the water, I can smell it in the air. The smell of October approaching. Spirit of Halloween stores are occupying a once Toys R’ Us. The smells of falling leaves and the putrid pumpkin lattes from Starbucks! But wait, I live in Florida and it’s still 90 degrees outside. The ugly trees down here don’t change color! Gosh I hate living in Florida! I need to move back to Philadelphia where people are murdered by the hundreds and people throw snowballs at Santa Claus!
It has to be September. I know this because… only an idiot can’t read a calendar. No, because I’ve noticed a spike in my views lately. Which means people are online prepping for the month of October. At least that is what a moron like myself believes or hopes. It’s the one time a year that non-horror fans are horror fans! Kind of how everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s day. But instead of wearing stupid green derby hats and drinking black beer from the dick of the devil. We’re sporting our Myers mask and Krueger glove!
Since I have your attention. Horror movie marathon begins in just a couple more days and I for one am excited as hell! This year will be a great mix of the three ages of horror plus some good modern films that aren’t a total wreck.
Speaking of wrecks, if anyone saw The Nun then that means you were forced to watch an hour and thirty minutes of the same schlock I saw. My wife forced me to see it and my gosh, was that a jump scare filled scooby doo meets Indiana Jones pile of garbage. I could have spent that time getting a colonoscopy or getting my head bashed in by a monkey at a zoo.
I counted 12 actual jump scares during the film and I was pointing out every moment one was going to happen. I know the complaint department for jump scares is real high right now. I don’t think it’s as annoying as the “I hate breakdowns in heavy metal” department those screamo jack asses do. But the jump scare complaint is warranted. It’s a cheep parlor trick that’s masquerading for horror and there has to come a point when it ends. At least that is my hope.
I honestly believe the movie should have taken a different story. For instance instead of following a priest, a nun apprentice and a French Canadian that have very little connection or chemistry; why couldn’t the story have been about the events before everything. Maybe a story about the convent taking on this demon Valak? Maybe he possesses them one by one or drives them all insane to the point that they’re doing god awful acts of torture murder and real jacked up stuff. Who wouldn’t be terrified by a bloody death scissor fest with nuns? How about a couple local infants get eaten? Maybe some serious character arcs where certain nuns explore true faith or even the reason they do what they do. Oh wait, that would have asked for actual story writing.
It would have been nice to see why a demon would take the form of a nun. To me, it was seriously stupid. But why was it a nun. That’s the million dollar question. Or maybe the million dollar question is “why was this movie made?” If it was a group of nuns then I guess this form is actually one of the nuns the demon possessed? They had a chance for gold and blew it like Helen Keller blew at sight.
It wasn’t even interesting of a story. In fact it was moronic. A glass egg with the blood of Jesus in it! Not only that, it’s being held in some castle in Romania! That’s where my Indiana Jones reference comes in. But at least Indiana Jones is awesome. He would have shot that nun in the face and then banged the hot nun ghost. Now that’s a movie I could appreciate.
Anyways, I’m done with the nun. We have more important matters to discuss on October 1st. I hope everyone can attend the daily movies or just follow along to get a glimpse of (what I believe to be) some great horror films. See you then!