Garbage or Future Gold?

We have 2014’s Annabelle, Ouija, 2015’s The Lazarus Effect, 2018’s Truth or Dare, 2013’s The Purge, 2014’s Unfriended and the newly released Slender Man. Look at these movies posters below and think to yourself, what do they all have in common? Just really reflect on them all take a wild guess?

schlock.jpg

The Answer

They all brutally suck! Yes, the common factor that binds these movies together is that they all suck giant gorilla balls! Not one of these movies are at all of any worth seeing. They’re cliche piles of cow vomit full of jump scares. But they dominate the market and you know why, because production companies know that the mass audience are morons who couldn’t tell a good horror movie if one kicked them in the man berries.

It’s always the same. Every other month a new horror trailer appears. The trailers are creepy with the typical jumps and boo’s. All with eye splitting, barf inducing, and “oh I wish I could drive rusty nails through my eyes” three minutes of pure torture! These movies are made in a template, and know one seems to notice. When a movie like Heredity or The Void comes out; it’s like everyone suddenly dropped dead and these films that actually rock get very little notice!

Blumhouse Blows

You can thank Blumhouse Productions for most of these films. In nearly ten years, they’ve released over 75 horror films! Blumhouse are kind of like Sony in that they produce a crap load of movies and hope that one of them is a success. I guess the idea is that you make one good film and it absolves your sins of the other twenty piles of pig snot you made before. Just chuck all this discharge at a fan and which ever one sticks to grandmas face works! But even when one sticks and is actually acceptable like Insidious or the first Sinister; they make sequels that blow. And those sequels prove that it’s all a money grab and not an attempt at good story telling or artistic expression.

shit

But I’m not writing this to talk about these movies in detail. My thoughts are more long-term. Recently I’ve wondered and I have pondered a thought that we may not think of. Will the crappy movies of today be gems of the future?

The Must Haves

Ask horror fans today what they’re favorite horror movies are and I can assure you that movies like: The Shining, Evil Dead 2, Alien, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Night of The Living Dead and others will be on that list. Those are the must haves. Kind of like how the Misfits are to horror punk or Slayer is to metal. Of course people like those movies, they’re probably the movies that got that person into horror.

Many of those ‘must haves’ (at least for me) were released before I was old enough to watch them. I’m only 36 and didn’t discover many of them until the 90’s. So I don’t really know the sentiment of the culture when they were released. I would imagine there was a more negative review from a more modest and religious country. Certainly movies like Hellraiser pushed the buttons of many people. Even though they’re great movies, are they great movies NOW and not THEN? To be honest, I often wonder if the original Evil Dead was appreciated as it is now. Others like Basket Case must have been blasted which explains why they were released in a grindhouse setting and not mainstream theaters.

Me Shattering My Own Mind!

The Monster Squad is the movie that officially got me into horror and that movie tanked in theaters! I don’t know why it tanked. Let me really think hard on this. Maybe it resembled the 1985’s The Goonies too closely? Nah, it can’t be that? I mean one is horror and the other is purely adventure! Pirates and Monsters, total polar opposites! How similar can they be? Let’s break this down.

The Group

GroupOk, so initially the groups both have five members. The kids are fowl mouthed children of the 80’s. They both add more members which aid the group in special ways. The Goonies came out in 85 and The Monster Squad came out in 87. The Goonies was made by Richard Donner who went on to have an extensive career while The Monster Squad was directed by Fred Dekker who… he really didn’t do much. Wait, he did do Night Of The Creeps! That movie rules!

The Leader

LeaderBoth groups have one unified leader. The Goonies has Mikey and the Squad has Shawn. Hmm, well every movie and their group needs that leader. Shawn and Mikey are very similar. Both are very dedicated to their groups cause. More than anyone else in the group. In fact, they’re the voice of direction and sincerity. Also they both possess a valuable tool that was coincidentally given by one of their parents. Along with them are a group of pals.

The Joker

SmartAssOne friend is the smart ass. Mouth from The Goonies and Patrick from the Squad don’t offer much to the group other than their wit. But they’re great characters.

The Fatty

FatEach group has their fat kid. Chunk (Lawrence) and Fat Kid (Horace). Gosh I love the 80’s. But, I’m noticing a pattern. Both fatties turn into some lesser form of heroes eventually. To be honest between these two it’s a real tough call.

The Older Peer

ToughBoth have the tough older peer. Goonies having Brand and the Squad having Rudy! These two young bucks are not meant to be toiled with and are also both after the movies hot chick.

The Hots

HottieMy gosh, there’s even a hottie! Andy from the Goonies is your girl next door that is sweet and popular. Patrick’s sister was so hot but a complete moron-. This babe is major!

The Mom

MaryEllenWAIT A MINUTE! The mom played by Mary Ellen Trainor is in both of these movies! That’s so awesome! She’s like the ultimate mom of two kick ass kids!

The Enemy

BaddiesThe Goonies have the Fratelli family. A terrifying murderous family. The Monster Squad have the monsters. The terrifying murderous group! Both are set on gaining control over some powerful object. Which brings us to…

The Power

Treasure.jpgThe Goonies search for the treasure and conflict withe Fratellis over it. The Monster Squad are going for the amulet. The treasure will make the Fratellis rich and powerful where the amulet will let Dracula open the portal to limbo, thus causing a reign of darkness!

The Non-Antagonist

BruteFor crying out loud, they both even have a “would be” antagonist that changes sides and befriends the kids! All IN THE LOVE AND AFFECTION OF SOME OUT OF PLACE CHILD!

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! The Monster Squad is literally the same! The Goonies go into a scary tunnel. The Squad go into a scary house. The Goonies follow the path to One-Eyed Willy and the Squad follow the directions of Dr. Van Helsing. Mikes dad is trying to secure his family by paying their bills so they don’t have to move. Shawns dad is a struggling cop that is fighting both time at work and home so he doesn’t lose his family!

I don’t care, I love The Monster Squad! Who cares if it’s almost a direct rip-off in many ways.


Interesting Fact

300px-Jonny-quest-opening-titleDid you know that Fred Dekker was prepping for an actual Jonny Quest movie! However The Monster Squad performed so poorly in theaters, the entire plan was cancelled.

That kills me inside because I truly love the original Jonny Quest classics. The DVD collection is sitting on my dresser in the middle of my Indiana Jones trilogy and Band of Brothers set! The show ruled and it would have been an interesting movie. But then again, Masters of The Universe was pretty bad so maybe it would have done more harm than good for a Jonny Quest film. But we never found out because The Monster Squad performed poorly.


Always A Big But

But The Monster Squad is awesome and it has gained a cult following in the past years. The 1982 The Thing, one of the best horror movies ever made; was another movie that bombed in theaters! Which brings me back to the point. Are shitty movies today, the ones that we all hate; have the potential to come back in the future and gain a cult following? Maybe down the road the crappy slow motion style of the Resident Evil franchise might become an entertaining trend? Gosh I hope not.

Let’s take an example like the Dark Castle films, 1999’s House on Haunted Hill and 2001’s 13 Ghosts. 2002’s Ghost Ship. 2003’s Gothika and 2005’s House of Wax.

Five films, maybe two of them are debatable on weather or not they suck. Some people loved them and thought the gore was enough to make eccentric horror films while others feel nothing but animosity towards them. Personally, I’m in the mixed bag when it comes to these movies. They have a certain style that made them noticeable when they were released. Certain elements of the films are actually quite good. I loved how House on Haunted Hill has Combs in it. However, he was used very minimally.

13-ghostsFor instance 13 Ghosts had a mentally ill story. Completely moronic, but damn are the ghosts real cool. I was more intrigued with the stories of the ghosts more than the actual reason that they’re in the house or why there was this strange glass house in the middle of the woods. Why couldn’t they make a movie about hunting down these ghosts? Just cut it down to maybe the Jackal, Juggernaut, Prom Queen and Hammer. But seriously, it wouldn’t surprise me if this movie ends up having a cult following and making some sort of comeback. I could see a bunch of people cos-playing these ghosts. Could the title of “campy” pertain to these films? Maybe modern camp?

With that said, could the Dark Castle films possibly have a draw to them in the future? Maybe not on the level of Evil Dead, Dead Alive or Re-Animator. But everything has a large fan base. It may be a stupid fan base like the Twilight and Purge groups. But maybe that love for certain levels of “camp” might make them future favorites?

5 Comments Add yours

  1. I know it’s not the focus of your article, but I quite enjoyed Unfriended. I found the way it was shot very interesting (although not unique) even if the plot was pretty weak. I saw Truth or Dare last week and it was mostly dreadful, but I did like the ending!

    Like

    1. nscovell says:

      So with that said, do you feel Unfriended has some cult following in the near future?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well it did well enough to warrant a sequel. But in terms of a future cult following, I’m not so sure. I doubt it will gain one long term but those that like it will stick with it. It reminds me of The Purge in that regard.

        Interestingly, Unfriended was referenced on a show hosted by Mark Kermode discussing similarities and differences with all horror movies.

        Like

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