Geriatric Halloween

Once again horror devotees have been given another chance to fire up the inner monster by taking part in a new Halloween film. This movie will be released in theaters on October 19th, making it the tenth film that involves Michael Myers! Any true fan of horror knows that Halloween 3: Season of The Witch (an awesome movie as well) does not dwell around Myers. Counting that movie would make eleven actual Halloween films. But in regards to this new 2018 release, we won’t bring the third film into any further examination. Strictly speaking of the Myers franchise.

My gosh, a Halloween film released in October. This means we may have a great Halloween season. Last year we had the release of It in October. The theaters will be packed with moronic teenagers that think Resident Evil are great movies! Nothing better than being a horror nut and sitting in a movie theater with people screaming at every damn jump scare! So this will be great! But then again, it could be a disaster. Let’s be honest, when breaking down the ten Halloween films. All but the first, second and maybe fourth film; they’re real bad. Also, the Rob Zombies remakes were completely pointless. Personally I think he ruined it. Rob Zombie is kind of like the Spike Lee of horror. Every white person is a terrible trashy pile of donkey shit.

JamieLloyd
WHAT ABOUT ME ASS CLOWNS!

This film is basically eradicating any movie after the first Halloween. Ok, so it’s technically a reboot then. But in case you don’t understand it’s this simple. Watch the first Halloween from 1978 and then completely forget everything that happens afterwards. The terror at the Haddonfield Memorial Hospital never even takes place. Alex Rogan gets to fly into outer space with a giant Gila monster and Jamie Lloyd doesn’t exist!

The last we know is that Michael is shot six times and falls from a balcony. The trailer implies that Michael has been arrested and resides in a mental hospital. Of course, a guy goes on a killing spree and the idea of capital punishment evades the minds of sanity! That’s what always interests me and makes me think that therein lies another critique of culture. We tolerate evil but never move to abolish it completely. Moving on.

It’s 2018, 40 years from the day Myers returned to Haddonfield in 1978. Laurie is old and paranoid. You can tell because like all dumb trailers, they give away important character details that don’t have to be given. Or that closet scene with the babysitter. Gosh, it’s probably not even Michael. Probably the babysitters boyfriend. I’M CALLING IT NOW!! It’s a false scare! He has the mask and he’s big and he wants to scare his girl so he can impregnate her on Halloween. But when he’s taking a leak, Laurie see’s him from the road and shoots him in the face. Which means, Laurie gets taken into the police because they think she’s nuts! If I’m right then EVERYONE owes me a Snickers!

Smith.jpg40 years later. Hmmm. Let me think. Michael was six when he made his first kill in 1963. Which means Michael is 61 years old. Now let’s refresh ourselves. We have an old man of sixty one years old that has suffered from six gun shot wounds from a Smith & Wesson K-38 Combat Masterpiece, Revolver Model 15. One of them might have been a head shot. Now, I’m no doctor. Nor am I a combat expert. But I would think a gun shot wound has disabling effects on the human body. Now I would almost completely say six gun shot wounds would really make someone eat from a straw for the rest of their lives! No way did the state of Illinois fork the bill for him to get all the bullets out and go on immediate rehabilitation. You think years of doing push ups in the prison yard will keep this stag up and running? So you mean to tell me that this old man is gonna wear a mask and go raise some havoc like before?

Swimming
Proud member of the AARP

To be honest it doesn’t make sense. He’s old. He’s probably got old man titties and has that elderly smell that never comes out of a couch. Do you guys think Ed Kemper could get out of prison and bring the pain again? No. He’s been eating prison food for decades! He’s worse than Mama June on a all you can eat for life buffet!

But then again. Maybe the movie will strengthen the notion that Michael Myers is truly a supernatural force of evil! The darkness within him gives him a youthful vigor! He’s like the old guy on the basketball courts that kicks balls! Maybe he’s been watching Laurie on TV doing her Activia commercials! He’s been keeping on a healthy diet. Doing a little yoga and early morning strolls through the asylum yards! Possibly sticking to a low carb diet and really getting into a more masterful approach with kitchen knives.

Walking
I need my Activia yogurt.

Eh, either way. They already have my money. I can’t not go see this movie. Will I include it into my horror movie reviews for October? No. But if it’s great then maybe another year. In the end, I think it’s an interesting idea to throw out the events that took place after 1978. Although, I like Halloween 2. I think it’s a solid film and thought it was a great way to kill off Myers for good.

The big question is does Michael Myers work for a new generation of movie goers? Personally, I think teens are kind of dumb and don’t really get Myers. He’s not Jigsaw with a mental explanation to his moronic contraptions of pain and death. He’s not a jilted lover that seeks vengeance on all mankind. Myers is just evil and “just evil” doesn’t work for new generations. I’m not wrong, look at what they did to Darth Vader or Maleficent! We have to have understanding to our bad guys now. We have to see

Natalie
It’s cause I’m so stupid!

Anakins terrible acting with that even more terrible Natalie Portman! Maleficent does away with the The mistress of all evil title and becomes a protector of nature that just wants to fly through the clouds again! WHERE THE HELL ARE HER HORDES OF GOBLINS? HOW F-ING BORING!

Our cultures approach to “badness” sucks big elephant scrotum! It’s never more relevant in movies today. Look what they did to Thanos in Infinity Wars! HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE WITH HIS BARE HANDS! Instead we get this left-wing populist garbage that would make Margaret Sanger and Bill Plato-face Maher applaud. Why can’t someone be evil without a “point of view” attached to it? Why can’t someone kill with insanity. Oh wait, we can’t call them insane. It’s not PC. Michael Myers is mentally distraught. That’s why he wants to kill everyone on Halloween. Screw this. I’m not going to see this movie. They can suck the sweat off my recently vascectomized balls!

So in conclusion (man do I really go off the rails sometimes). The movie is coming. It’s happening, it will make money. I don’t know anymore details nor do I not wish to know. If they keep Michael as the driving silent force of evil that he was originally then I guess it will be fine. Hopefully we don’t get a terrible reboot that turns into multiple films. Thank God it’s not Disney because there will be twenty more Halloween films in the works right now.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Savior699 says:

    Your title alone is amazing lol but i agree they already have my money.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. nscovell says:

      Yea, it will be interesting. Glad you like the title.

      Like

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