Friday the 13th in October! You couldn’t ask for a better month for such an evil day. That’s why we’re sharpening our machetes and kissing our mothers severed head so long as we review the Friday the 13th series! Hold on to your nuts because we’re breaking down a crap load of horror films for one single day. Man I’m so excited to watch every Friday the 13th film over again. I haven’t done this since I was a teenager! It’s going to be EPIC! Jason is so cool. Slicing and dicing his way through all these people! Jason is the most recognizable villain of all time and his movies are the longest running horror series so how can it be bad? Look at all these movie posters!
JUST LOOK IT THEM ALL!
Take it from Michael Bay, if you have something good (or just marketable to stupid children) then you just make it over and over and over and over again. No matter how many times people cry ‘stop!’
Oh yea, be mindful of the progression of plot changes for each movie. After I awoke in the hospital after watching all of them. I finally remembered what they’re all about. It took a while, but it all came back to me. Let me tell you something, the Friday the 13th films have some serious drug users writing their scripts.
Friday the 13th – 1980
In the peaceful campgrounds of Camp Crystal Lake, young counselors are preparing for a long summer. Little do they know that terror lurks within the woods, seeking the right opportunity to slaughter and punish those seen guilty!
Killer is Pamela Voorhees, not Jason Voorhees.
Friday The 13th Part 2 – 1981
Five years after the slaughter of Camp Crystal Lake, a neighboring camp is prepping for the summer. With the bloody events and the memory of Mrs. Voorhees just fire side chats; it seems that this summer will be one to remember.
Jason appears wearing a burlap sack instead of a hockey mask. Does not use the machete.
Friday the 13th Part 3 – 1982
A day after the events of part 2, Jason Voorhees escapes and is wondering Crystal Lake, killing and surviving. Jason soon comes along a group of friends staying in a vacation home named Higgins Haven. This will be one vacation of blood splattering 3D slaughter!
The iconic image of the machete wielding hockey mask Jason finally appears. Also, more creative and brutal deaths. Not centered at a summer camp.
Friday The 13th – The Final Chapter – 1984
It’s summer and the all girls camp, Camp Walden is underway! Which means fun, excitement and personal discovery. But for our young red head girl Annie; this summer will be more than she bargained for. Forced to spend the rest of the summer with another girl named Jason Voorhees the two who were once enemies discover a friendship far greater than just friends. Annie and Jason are sisters! Twin sister to be precise. Discovering of their parents divorce; it’s now the mission of these two ladies to bring their love torn parents back together! Join us with spectacular fun and a rip roaring Disney grandpa humping good time with Friday the 13th Part 4!
Friday The 13th – A New Beginning – 1985
Convicted for a murder he did not commit, Jason Voorhees will remain the rest of his days as a prisoner in Shawshank prison. His only friend, an Asian African American Jewish Rabbi woman named Pedro. Pedro is Jasons one source of power to fuse the the alternate dinosaur dimension and our very own together. But first he has to get rid of those pesky plumbers! But before that they must kill the chosen one that would bring balance to the force! Once more the sith will rule the galaxy and Jason Voorhees will become the next Captain of the SS Enterprise. With the use of a magical asteroid stone, Jason will gather all his strength and resources to correct the wrongs of society and bring justice once more to the people of Eternia. I HAVE THE POWER!! Rated PG-13.
Friday the 13th – Jason Lives – 1986
Jason Voorhees must carry the ring of power to mount Sinai and battle a crazed Charlton Heston with a sword made of Nerf! With the help of his handicapped brother Lloyd Christmas; Jason will sacrifice everything in order to help keep his disease stricken wife happy. It seems reading from a personal journal to her every day really doesn’t mean anything when the bitch can’t remember jack! Join in the action and adventure as Jason embarks on a ride across a barren wasteland to bring a group of hot teens freedom from their over possessive Mormon dictator husband Immortan Joe. Rated PG-13.
Friday the 13th – The New Blood – 1988
A girl named Tina that happens to be a witch, helps break out her little brother Jason Voorhees from a mental institution. Tina discovers that Jason is a Nintendo prodigy and they go to California for Jason to compete in a NES championship for a new awesome NES game titled Friday The 13th! Headed across the country Tina and Jason embark on many adventures and bond! Maybe even healing with the help of each other. Join us for this family friendly romp! Rated R for sexual content.
Friday the 13th – Jason Takes Manhattan – 1989
Jason Voorhees and his team of muppets have just graduated from college. Armed with enthusiasm and hope, the team decides to take their musical Manhattan Melodies straight to Broadway. Our friends are going to be stars! But being a hit on Broadway isn’t as easy as one would think. Lots of sexual frustration and static electricity. Things are a giant mess! Especially for a machete toting killer, frog, pig, bear and whatever Gonzo is. Join us on this family friendly musical! Rated PG.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday – 1993
Jason Voorhees has finally died due to a police unit hellbent on ending his reign of terror. Ahh, poor Jason. But guess what Jason is going to heaven where his son has turned into a black guy and things look and feel like a painting. But wait, Jason’s wife isn’t there and she died years ago. Oh no, we didn’t mention that suicides go to hell (not really hell, just a place you exist for eternity that reflects the feelings of your soul). Jason must travel back to the physical realm and find a body to control in order to free his wife. Join us on this spiritual journey of self reflection. Rated PG-13.
Are we done? Y-y-y-y-you mean there aren’t anymore?
WOM-WOM-WOOOM, WOM-WOM WOM WOM WOOOOM.
WHAT!? Two more films? There’s really two more Jason films? Oh please no! Tell me it’s not true!
WOM WOM WOOOOM, WOM WOM.
Wait, what’s that? I don’t have to watch them? You mean the 2009 one and that Freddy Vs Jason films don’t count! Oh thank God. Thank you so much mam.
I love you too Charlie Brown teacher.
WOM WOM WOM!!!
I don’t mean love as in, “hey teacher let’s bang” I mean like a motherly kind of way.
Ok, so things got a little cloudy there for a while. I don’t know where my head was. I kept slipping in and out of consciousness and I had this weird Charlie Brown universe dream going on. I don’t think I can ever do another Friday the 13th marathon anymore.
So as you might have guessed after part 3, the series started taking a dive in quality. The stories were always the same and with very little plots. I guess the main purpose of the films was to show people dying in brutal ways. However, I will say that being a fan of Cabin in The Woods does put Friday the 13th into a new perspective. The stories are all the same but it’s all a part of a great ritual that keeps the old evil gods dormant. Jason is just fulfilling the duty man!
I actually do like the first and second films. The POV camera got a little annoying after the first few kills. But the third one seemed to get rid of it. I also find it interesting how Jason Voorhees isn’t even in the first film. The killer is his mother and she’s seeking sweet justice. Jason finally comes in part 2 and he’s wearing a burlap sack over his head.
By the fourth film, The Final Chapter; things just seemed to get boring. Unless you consider Crispin Glover dancing to be awesome.
From what I heard, he was actually dancing to an ACDC song “Back in Black.” Which gives reason to his insane moves. But to be honest, I played that song at the same time he was dancing and he still looks ridiculous. I will admit that Glovers death is hilarious.
Part 5 is more a psychological movie. Jason isn’t even in the film. Turns out the killer was a father of a Jason victim. He just took the mantle of killing these teens that he blamed for his kids death. It’s literally a recycling of the first film. It may have tried to take a fresh approach but it was boring to watch. Plus John Shepherd who plays the grown up Tommy is the worst actor I have seen in any Friday film.
You see that face, that’s his face the entire movie. He’s like a male version of Milla Jovovich from the crappy Resident Evil movies. Yea, she sucks in those and the movies are all garbage! She has an expression of a broken toilet!
Seriously, I don’t really have to say much about the other films because they’re all the same. Jason Takes Manhattan is a laugh fest of stupidity. Am I to believe that Jason awakens from the depths of Camp Crystal Lake, boards a cruise ship. Which then sinks in the New York Harbor!? WHO IN GOD’S GREEN EARTH CAME UP WITH THAT!!
I will say that Jason Goes To Hell is actually not all too bad. It kind of abandons the fornicating drugged up teens and gives the entire premise to Jason a more supernatural and solid ground. There’s actually a story involved that has structure and purpose. There were actual parts to this film that seemed less “slasher” and more monster.
It seems that this demon living in the body of Jason is what keeps him alive. But without the body this demon has to live within a host. Its not until it’s met with the blood of a Voorhees that Jason’s original state can be brought back. It’s actually a point A to point B kind of story. Yea, it still sucks but at least it’s something!
So on this Friday the 13th, let us all appreciate Jason Voorhees. Let us all watch the first three films. If you’re brave like me, go ahead and watch every movie and then jab a pen in your temple like I did.